I used to watch this show with my grandma, and at the time it was pretty racy. Did you know she failed her first two auditions as “Ma,” but on the third, she went in with frumpy clothes and told the makeup lady, “Look, this is just another makeup job to you, but my life is on the line here.” And she got the job! I liked her because she was feisty, snappy, and short.

Monday was my mom’s birthday! We had a big family dinner. Here’s a pic of the two of us.

My mom is the hot one on the right. In case you’re wondering where my teeth are, they’re behind the braces.

Speaking of braces, I found out today we’ll be spending more time together, braces and I. I’m so freakin’ mad I could punch someone in the nose serenely content about that. I thought I had timed it JUST right where they would be off by the time I went to the American Christian Fiction Writers’ annual convention, and I could look like a normal adult. I might take them off myself. I mean how hard would that be? And then I could just hot glue them back on when I returned from ACFW. But today I went to my ortho and after standing in line behind two twelve year olds, I tried out the ice cream machine. To make this day even sadder…the ice cream was gross! SERIOUSLY. How can ice cream be gross? I think there could be larva and bugs mixed in and I could still eat it. But this stuff didn’t even taste like ice cream. It looked like it, but I was not deceived. With a tear in my eye, I threw it away. Tragic. What is this world coming to? (Mother, please take “small ice cream machine” off my Christmas list. Obviously it doesn’t work. I’ll need the restuarant-sized one afterall.)

So we also celebrated my eight year old nephew’s birthday too. During dinner he wanted me to sit by him. I thought that was sooo sweet. Until he spent the ENTIRE time talking to me about all the reasons why I should let him open a present early.

This is about the point he was saying something about how I’m so mean, and I’m supposed to be the nicest aunt ever, blah, blah, blah. I was a millisecond from caving before he got up to harass someone else.

Toward the end of the night, my niece and nephew (and their grandpa) got into a water gun fight. In the house. My niece Katie Beth REALLY got into it.

She kinda didn’t get the idea that’s it’s about shooting others, not how wet you can possibly get.

The awesome Maddee Schrader, who happens to have the same b-day as Katie Parker, posted an interview with me at Real Teen Faith. You can see it HERE. It’s a great site to look around. Lots of good info on there!

Okay, I’m off to write. Must wrap up Charmed, I’m Sure, book two in the new series SOON.

Have a great week!

JEN

I did not see Dark Night, but everyone is RAVING about it. Usually if there aren’t a few guaranteed giggles, I’m not interested in the movie. So it’s yet to be determined if I see this one.

Speaking of giggles, my SIL Laura was telling me about getting online and googling “Wal-Mart” and “photo cake.” It’s so funny. This picture comes up. Someone apparently wanted a cake that said “Best Wishes Suzanne” and underneath that “We Will Miss You.” CHECK OUT what they got.

There’s a new trailer up for Twilight. You can see it HERE.

And as long as we’re talking trailers, here’s the new one for High School Musical Part III.

I’m not sure how I feel about the basketball duet. It’s pretty fem.

Okay, YA fans, I’m reading The Uglies. I’m struggling, but I’m gonna read it. Kind of a slow start. And it’s a big book. And so far nothing’s made me laugh. I’m hoping for a love scene or something. At least a banana-peel fall soon. Anything?

Turns out I like sweet potatoes. Who knew? I’ve gone my whole life without their orangey goodness. Seems kind of cruel now.

Went shopping with my mother this weekend. Overheard in Kohls:

Me: Mom, I got my back-to-school undies!

Mom: I’m just glad to know you wear them.

So Sunday after church, right after nacho time, right after nap time, but before walk in freakin’ heat time and Mama Mia time, I found the website that has all the Saturday Night Live short films. I accidentally caught Laser Cats III Sat. night and had to seek out parts I and II to learn the origins of cats who shoot concentrated fire out their butts. This is Laser Cats II, which might be the best. Please remember no cats were harmed in the making of this film.

You can watch parts I and III HERE.

I’m off to write. Or pretend to write. Or think about writing. Or pretend that I thought about writing. . .

JEN

Right now I’m a few weeks away from turning in a book and have TONS to do. And when I’m trying to figure out how a book is going to end and how to say some magic words that will result in the month of July being 3 weeks longer, I just let everything else go, knowing I’ll get to it (or pay someone else to) when the literary fallout is over.

This is definitely under the category of oversharing, but I’m going to show you my my coffee table. Keep in mind I’ve had my butt planted on the couch for the last few weeks night and day with my laptop. Okay…are you ready for this mess?

I know–call the Health Department, right? It’s like Where’s Waldo. You can’t find ANYTHING in that. Let me dissect it for you.

Okay, we have notecards ALL over the place. At various points throughout writing the book, I will make notecards for what I think should, might, and possibly happen. Sometimes I actually remember to refer to them. Sometimes I look at one and think “What the HECK does ‘aliens blow up K-Mart’ mean?” Right now I’m at my favorite part, which is where most of the notecards are useless and I just need the ones for the ending. Endings are the best. Ending notecards mean I’m weeks away from a big massage and some time off.

There’s the TV remote. Sometimes you have to stop writing and check to see who’s on Judge Judy. This is usually when I’ve already checked my email, ETonline, and Facebook.

My calculator, my trusty TI-81. I’ve had this thing for like 15 years and it has never failed me, except when I calculated my BMI, but that’s another story and not really it’s fault. So I have a word goal. Like the book needs to be around 75,000 words, so I drag out the calculator in desperate moments to see how many pages that would be. Right now I think I need 1,208 more pages.

My water bottle. By the end of the night I will have about ten bottle lids (you can’t recycle those) and a luke-warm bottle beside me. This means lots of trips to the bathroom. Which means it’s also a great opportunity to check Facebook. Again. Because someone could have written on my wall since I checked it last. Two minutes ago.

A laptop mouse. I don’t ever use this because I finally found a laptop with a touchpad I can work. It’s only taken like 20 years. Any other touchpad mouse makes me feel like I have some serious motor skill issues, and I can’t work it, and I just get mad and start yelling. But this mouse stands ready in case I lose the touch and my palsy returns.

The yellow sheet of paper is a list of all the things I need to go back and fix when I’m done. Like item number one: 1. Add a main character. Or item number two. 2. Get rid of all the aliens.

There’s the VCR remote because a friend taped Camp Rock for me, and I really want to see how much the Jonas Brother truly know about rocking.

Hidden on the left is a tin of almonds. Because they are good fat. And I need some good fat to make all the bad fat feel less lonely.

There’s also a fruit/nut bar wrapper. I just found these babies, and I love them. These things are called Prana Bars. I have no idea what that means. Did they mean Piranha Bars? Anyway, it’s just organic fruit and nuts. The package says it has “Raw Enzyme Power.” I don’t know what that is, but I was hoping if I ate it and yelled, “Raw Enzyme Power!” over and over I would like fly or something. Or at least be able to finish the next page. So far no aeronautics to report, but maybe I just need to eat more. But at 13 grams of fat, it makes a girl seriously consider a Snickers bar instead because that makes my mouth so very happy.

Next we have a People magazine. Sometimes when I have no idea where the story should go, nothing inspires me more than seeing who Madonna is not having an affair with. This week I read about Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman’s baby who was named after a woman in Australia who had a love affair with two men. May Sunday Rose flourish in that legacy, Keith. “Little girl, who are you named after?” “A slutty Australian!”

Okay, so we have a Nancy Drew computer game on the left. I’ve only played it once, and it was freakin’ hard, and I spent the rest of the afternoon sobbing at my ignorance and crying, “I’ll never be a Sassy Sleuth! Why God? Why?!” Below Nance is a book that was supposed to be “fab,” but like all the other I’ve picked up lately, there are vampires and stuff in it, and I just get confused at the different species. I’m a one species girl myself. Keeps things easy.

There’s a wad of paper with my gum in it. I tried to get off the couch to throw it away, but my butt was glued to the couch cushion. I ate another Prana Bar to make myself feel better.

In the distance you see a purple yoga mat. Right after I throw my laptop against the wall, I like to do some downward dogs.

There’s a calendar where I mark down what happens time-wise in the book. My editor likes me to do this because she insists on things happening in real time. I personally like to do away with time, gravity, and reality, but she is a total stick in the mud. A few times I’ve had like two Fridays in a week, and she just wouldn’t have it. Nor was she into snow skiing in February. But now that I think about it, why should I do all the bending? Maybe we should compromise. I mean, like in On the Loose, what’s WRONG with a character having three arms?

We have a Bible study book by Priscilla Shirer. This one is about learning to hear the voice of God. And I TRY and listen for His instruction. And when I don’t hear it, that’s usually when the laptop throwing and the downward dogging happens.

There’s also some loose change on the table. I have no idea what this is from, but there’s almost enough there to buy a Twix.

Finally there’s a candle. When I’ve written a bunch of crappy pages, I like to use this decorative accessory and light them on fire. I recommend disconnecting the fire alarm first because I don’t have time to deal with a book AND a truck full of firemen. . .at least not this week.

Well, I have a book to write and a coffee table not to clean. Please do me a favor and just keep my messy ways between us. Pinkie swear.

JEN

I went to the health food store today. Do you know what I learned? I learned that mahi mahi fish are “voracious eaters” and can gain 10% of their body weight in one day. Is this supposed to amaze me? Give me a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and I can do that in one sitting.

It’s like random facts have been jumping out at me. I’ve heard them everywhere this past week. Did you know If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Given my career as a teacher, I could probably power my own Starbucks.

Speaking of random, I think my next pet might be a bunny.

Who knew bunnies were so useful? I wonder if I can get one that staples.

So a few weeks ago I went to a semi-pro baseball game. I have to admit…I’m unAmerican and do not like baseball. I don’t. It’s boring. There’s too much of THIS going on…

Yeah. Nothing. NOTHING going on. Way too much downtime for me. And what does any girl do during downtime? EAT. When hot dogs of questionable origin start looking good to me, you KNOW that’s too much free time.

The Arkansas Natural’s mascot is a Sasquatch. None of us there knew why.

So I don’t know really what or who he is, but I’m pretty sure he has an identical twin out there somewhere. And I dated him.

He wouldn’t let me take a shot from the front. I think his hairy celebrity status has gone to his head.

And what goes GREAT with a baseball game? Torrential rain!!!

So after two rain bursts, we finally gave up and headed to my friend’s Blazer. I had gone to the game to see some fireworks and hear the symphony. But I had to settle for some Madonna in the car and a sparkler a few days later.

So my super editor Jamie and I have been talking about Twilight the movie. I’ve finally accepted that the actress for Bella is a good pick. But Edward? Both of us are TRYING to withhold judgment. But it ain’t easy. Check out this Entertainment Weekly photo she found. You’ll have to scroll to the middle of the page HERE.

WHAT is with all that makeup? And do vampires wear lipstick? Why is he so pasty white? Why are his eyebrows so caterpillary? Why does he come closer to resembling a zombie more than a vampire? I don’t know ANY vampires that look like that. But I do remember someone else who does… He TOTALLY looks like the albino monk from Princess Bride. I don’t know what Bella’s thinking. If that were my boyfriend, I’d be all like, “You have GOT to go get some Mystic Tan. At the very least, some tinted moisturizer.” And what’s with the shirt hanging open? Is this supposed to be hot? Cause it’s not. Vampires are STRONG, Albino One. There should be some muscle there! What’s under his shirt? More Martha White pasty whiteness.

I should go write a book or field emails from offended albino monks. Have a great Monday!

JEN

Besides the fact that no writing got done (but that’s what weekends are for, right?), I had a GREAT week. This is one of my favorite times of the year–Adventure Week!!! This is what we call VBS or vacation Bible school at my church. My church puts on a HUGE production for Adventure Week. I love being able to participate. This year my super cute nephew went!

“Jennifer is the BEST aunt in the world! She’s never mean and she knows the value of a McDonalds drive-thru eating vegetables!”

Check out this stage for Adventure Week. Our theme was Dirty Jobs, like the TV show on Discovery. (Who has yet to run a segment on teaching)

Isn’t that cool? And another cool thing is we tell our Bible stories through mini-plays or through characters. When I was in VBS as a kid we heard the stories through these archaic things called felt boards. Here’s a church that also likes to reminisce on their felt board past.

So on Wednesday I got to tell (act out) the story. It was SOOOO much fun. I was Super Sally the Stubborn Stain Solver, a little girl who was crazy about stain removal and not so crazy about her little brother. But I decided Sally needed a little speech impediment, so she became Thooper Thally the Thtubbon Thtain Tholver. (At one point I had to apologize for thpitting on the front row.) Here’s my cool set.

Now Super Sally was an expert on cleaning and stain removal, so before we started, I had to just spend some time with all those cleaning supplies and familiarize myself with them. I’m just not interested in anything cleaning related. At one point the sound and light guy saw me on stage head down, staring at all the stuff, and he said, “Are you praying?” Um, yes! Yes! That’s EXACTLY what I’m doing! Actually i was thinking Tide? What’s that? Pre-treater? You mean you don’t just throw the shirt away if you spill something on it?

Cleanliness REALLY takes a hit when I’m down to the last month of a book deadline. Like right now, I’ve GOT to tear away from the computer and clean my kitchen. There’s been a green evening bag in the floor all week. Which begs the questions: 1. Why haven’t I picked it up? 2. Why would an evening bag be in the kitchen? 3. Why do I even OWN an evening bag? I do not know the answers to those queries. I’m blaming it on the eagles.

Anyway, back to Adventure Week. We have a ministry tool EVEN BETTER than any felt board. It’s a slime machine!

Nothing says “I love Jesus” more than some purple goopy stuff! Our kids LOVE it. I don’t know why. When I was a kid I didn’t like anything that meant instant bath. But this slime machine is a huge hit.

But you know, how cool would it be to have your OWN slime machine? I know, as a teacher I would LOVE to have one. “No, Tommy there aren’t any dumb questions, but that’s the closest anyone ever gotten. Step inside my slime chamber, please.” Or when your little brother is driving you nuts? Or when your spouse ate the LAST pack of Oreos? Slime them.

This week I’m (trying) to read this book:

It’s another book about a girl who goes to a prestigious girls school. BUT no Gossip Girls here…it’s actually a secret school for spy training! Very clever premise. The book’s pretty good. But it’s kind of easy to put it down though. (Maybe I’ll find it on my kitchen floor later.) So since YA is my book choice this week, what are some great YA reads?

Have a great weekend. I’m going to try put my kitchen to rights. I think on my last walk-through I saw some skis, my nun chucks, and Osama Bin Laden.

JEN– Who should be writing. Or at least cleaning. But instead is blogging. And eating.

I’m reading a RIVETING book right now.

It’s all about how processed sugar is evil and ruining our lives. Which is good. I needed something new to blame my life on. This book is a great read because I’m supposed to be FINISHING my own book this month, and I can’t do that when I’m nose deep in someone else’s novel. But I can’t say Sugar Busters calls out to me when I’m writing, “Jennifer…you must read me now. You haven’t gotten to the chapter on why you should avoid beets and potatoes…” It’s just not a temptation.

I drink a lot (LOT) of bottled water. As in Al Gore would be SERIOUSLY mad at me if he saw my daily heap of water bottles. This week I’m a Dasani girl, but Aquafina has come out with a new water called Aquafina Alive Satisfy.

Quite the long name. Can you see ordering one of those at a ballgame? “Yes, I want two hot dogs and a peach-mango Aquafina Alive Satisfy.” The gimmick with this water is that it’s filled with FIBER. Ew. IT has all the coolness factor of carrying around a Metamucil can. With a straw. So if Pepsi Co. wanted a long name for their new Aquafina, why not go with Aquafina Water That Makes Your Toilet Happy?

I love to see pics of people reading the Katie Parker books!

Thanks to Erin for sending me this pic of her niece Emma E. reading In Between at her lake cabin. Emma is from Chicago, a place I’ve only seen from the airport. But I’ve heard y’all have good pizza. An Oprah. And some baseball team. BTW, love those pink pj pants, Emma!

If you haven’t seen Kitt Kittridge: American Girl, you have GOT to go. It was so great. It has that girl from Little Miss Sunshine, Stanley Tucci, Will Smith’s daughter, Joan Cusack (who just makes the world a better place), and Chris O’Donnell, who has like five kids of his own in real life. It also has Julia Ormond, who was in the remake of Sabrina (you MUST watch the original with Audrey Hepburn), but has not been seen from in YEARS.

I LOVED this movie. It’s not too long (only 90 minutes), it has nifty costumes, a GREAT layered plot, great acting, and lots of kid actors who will make you think “WHERE do I know that face??” like 50 million times throughout the movie. I had Barbies when I was a kid, but if there had been Kitt Kittridge dolls, who cared more about being a hard cracking journalist in the Depression era instead of being a size zero with boobs that would make her topple over in real life, then I would have definitely have traded in my Barbies!

Okay, I must go memorize some lines for tonight’s gig for Bible school. I’m Suzie the Stain Solver or something like that. I’ve decided to speak with an accent, so this is going to require much rehearsal until I’m ready for my close-up.

Have a great week.

JEN

As mentioned, last week I went to my church for a huge fireworks display. What I forgot to mention was that I saw Suri Cruise there! (Or at least her Scientological body double.) The pics are sooo bad, but if you squint with your left eye and cross your right, I think you’ll see what I mean.

See! That’s totally (almost) her! Here she is again. A side profile shot.

“Mom, the other kids at preschool laughed at me when I told them the Mother Ship was on its way to pick me up. Can I put the Klingon curse on them?”

LIke most states, in Arkansas it’s illegal to ride in the back of a truck. I was driving in town and snapped this photo. This candidate for district court judge does NOT get my vote.

“My PR people are the BEST!”

YA author Michelle Sutton reviews a TON of books. (Like I don’t know how she finds time to eat. Or sleep. Or watch E!) She read On The Loose and made it her featured book of the month! Thanks, Michelle! You can see her review HERE.

(NO) thank you to Sheila for sending me THIS website. Made me want to hurl my computer at the wall.

I saw these in a fashion mag. I might be eating my words and sporting these shoes next fall, but KEDS, what are you thinking?

“I come with a complimentary pair of tube socks.”

Congrats to Keith Urban and wife Nicole. Had the baby Monday, named her Sunday. I guess it’s better than having her on Tuesday and naming her Monday. Then everyone would be like, “Monday Urban, I don’t know what it is, but your name makes me VIOLENT!” Or she’d grow up hearing “I hate Monday!” Because who ever says “Monday is the best!” Nobody, that’s who.

Okay, I’ve got to get back to writing and watching July slip away. Have a great day!

JEN

Again, thanks for the humorous book recommendations. Keep ‘em coming.

This past Sunday night my church had their first annual fireworks show for the community. Honestly, I was expecting this puny little performance, but it was AWESOME. It lasted like 20 loud minutes! I stole a picture from someone’s Facebook.

(picture courtesy of J. Judd’s Facebook page. Sorry I ripped you off!)

It might be hard to tell, but those crosses are HUGE. Very tall. Statuesque. (Reminds me of myself.) Anyway, it was cool to see the fireworks against the backdrop of the crosses. And the youth group was there selling ice cream, so even though I TOTALLY did not want to eat any ice cream, I figured it was my Christian duty to support them and their fundraiser. So I bought one or two (or three) things of ice cream. And I couldn’t just throw it away. That would be rude. So I HAD to eat it. Oh, the things we do for the Lord.

Thanks to Sheila and Erin for sending me this link.

You can see the outtakes HERE. They are more charming than they are funny. And the Rwandan kids are my FAVORITE. I love how in one version the Laotians are looking at him like, “Dude. You are NUTS. You call THOSE dancing skills?” I wouldn’t say Matt is really doing a dance. I think when it looks like that it comes closer to falling under the header of “jig.” And not everyone can pull off a jig.

I have some friends who keep up with the Bachelorette. I watched a two minute video on YouTube and saw all I needed to see.

In honor of the Fourth of July, I leave you with one final YouTube clip. This is a piece of a long series of clips of wedding singers who will customize their gig according to themes. This is the Patriotic Redneck Country Singer Bad Dresser Save Some Buffalo Wings For Me wedding theme.

Finally, Kelli Standish and crew at PulsePoint Design fixed up my sickly “About Me” page on my website. They did a great job. Take a look HERE!

Have a great three day weekend. Don’t poke anyone’s eye out with a sparkler.

JEN

P.S. See below for a bonus book review! I read a book. . . and I actually liked it.

My review:

So I liked this book. I know I’m kind of a book snob. Usually it has to be really funny or a blazing page turner for me to like it. This book is just a great romance read. Takes place in a small town (which I like), and even though it’s apparently the second book in a series, you don’t have to have read book no. 1 (which I haven’t). Honestly romance in Christian fiction is often a little hard for me to get through, but this one was different. Good different. It was a quick read, and even though I am supposed to be totally busting out some pages on a looming deadline, I kept finding excuses to pick up the book. I can’t wait to put this on my classroom shelf and share it with my teenage students. (With the admonition that they should NEVER get engaged after two months, of course.) Read it and tell me you don’t like it! See below for a rundown on the author, the book, and a link to the first chapter.

This week, the

Christian Fiction Blog Alliance

is introducing

Love Starts With Elle

(Thomas Nelson - July 8, 2008)

by

Rachel Hauck

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Rachel Hauck is a forty-something, a child of the ’60’s, ’70’s, ’80’s, ’90’s and ’00’s, who roller skated through the ’70’s into the ’80’s with Farrah Fawcet hair and a three-speed orange Camero. She graduated from Ohio State University (Go Buckeyes!) with a degree in Journalism.

After graduation, she hired on at Harris Publishing as a software trainer, determined to see the world. But, she’s traveled to Ireland, Spain, Venezuela, Mexico, Australia, Canada and the U.S. from California to Maine.

Rachel met Tony, her husband, in ‘87, at church, of all places. They married in ‘92.
They don’t have any children of their own, just lots of kids-in-the-Lord and they love them all. However, they do have two very spoiled dogs, and a very demanding cat.

With a little help from my friends, my first book was published in ‘ 04, Lambert’s Pride, a romance novel. My current release is Sweet Caroline from Thomas Nelson. Romantic Times Book Club gave both books their highest rank of 4.5 stars, with Love Starts With Elle being honored as Top Pick!

ABOUT THE BOOK

Elle’s living the dream-but is it her dream or his?

Elle loves life in Beaufort, South Carolina-lazy summer days on the sand bar, coastal bonfires, and dinners with friends sharing a lifetime of memories. And she’s found her niche as the owner of a successful art gallery too. Life is good.

Then the dynamic pastor of her small town church sweeps her off her feet. She’s never known a man like Jeremiah-one who breathes in confidence and exhales all doubt. When he proposes in the setting sunlight, Elle hands him her heart on a silver platter.

But Jeremiah’s just accepted a large pastorate in a different state. If she’s serious about their relationship, Elle will take “the call,” too, leaving behind the people and place she loves so dearly. Elle’s friendship with her new tenant, widower Heath McCord, and his young daughter make things even more complicated.

Is love transferrable across the miles? And can you take it with you when you go?

If you would like to read the first chapter, go HERE

So Christian Fiction Online magazine just released its first issue! If you’re into Christian fiction (and who isn’t?!), then you should check it out HERE.

And you can read an article by yours truly HERE. The magazine has lots of articles by favorite authors such as Brandilyn Collins, Kristin Billerbeck, Susan May Warren and others. And you can read an article by my agent Chip MacGregor, who always has something intelligent to say. Kudos to fellow YA author Michelle Sutton for doing such a great job as mag editor!

Did I mention I just downed carrots, celery, and apples? (Are there medals for this sort of thing?)

So now that I’ve read all of the Stephanie Plum series, I need something else to read. I’m into funny. I see too much drama at school to want anything sad. And I don’t read America’s fave Nicholas Sparks because somebody always dies. One time my “friends” convinced me to read this book of his PROMISING nobody died. Well, even worse–the stinkin’ DOG DIED. I thought I was going to Hulk out. Did these people not even KNOW me? I mean I could read through Sparks killing off the lead guy before I could the pet. So tragic.

Anyway, so I started researching funny mysteries on Barnes and Noble and Amazon. I don’t have any numbers to back this up, but do you know what the hot trend in mysteries is now? VAMPIRES. Do vampires REALLY have that many mysteries that need to be solved? You’re the undead. Who cares? Someone took your money? Well, you have quite a bit of time left to make more and years to read the Wall Street Journal. Somebody burned down your house? Well, bite everyone you know on the neck. Surely one of them was the culprit. Yes, you will lose lots of friends that way, but you were gonna outlive them anyway.

Right now I’m reading this book.

So far–no vamps. No werewolves. No tiger-mans. (Seriously, picked up one book and her brother is a Tiger-man. As if brothers aren’t obnoxious enough. Do we really need to arm them with claws? My brother had unlimited spit and noxious gas. He was plenty lethal.)

Tonight I’m buying tickets to a fall WWE RAW wrestling event. I will see John Cena, Baptista (not to be confused with Methodista), Chris Jericho, and um, some other really big people. People who are probably into juicing. Carrots that is. Definitely just carrots. Apparently the set collapsed and fell on Vince McMahon, the owner (CEO? president? king?) of WWE. And already I’m buying into this whole thing. Is it real? Did he REALLY get hurt? Surely it’s just staged. Cause I read Yahoo Entertainment updates like every five minutes, and there was nothing on there about him. See, this wrestling stuff just sucks you in. But I won’t let it get me. I will not think it’s real. Or that spandex is good for your circulation. Or that big boobs make you a better athlete. (Seriously go to WWE.com and look at those ladies. As Judge Judy would say, “Do you need a shawl?”)

Speaking of judges, I saw this clip on TV yesterday. It’s like so funny it’s not funny. Poor lady.

Here’s another good one. This one is dedicated to my friend Jessica who is trying to think of baby names.

Um, do NOT go into Judge Judy’s court and bring your suitcase full of ethnic profiling. Especially when you clearly failed eighth grade geography. And the eighth grade.

Have a great Wednesday. I’m off to try and find some vampire-less books.

JEN

I just want to say that I watched season seven (finally) of Gilmore Girls, and I’m a little disturbed by it. Like I think I might need meds to deal with the trauma. It did not go how I wanted it to until like the last five minutes. So like 16 episodes of yuck and 300 seconds of “IT’S ABOUT TIME!” Thank you writer Amy Sherman Palladino for leaving after season six. I carry no grudge. None at all. (I am so finding this woman and TP’ing her house.)

So my editor has mentioned juicing to me. Not as in the type of juicing that leads to chest hair on women and guys talking like Michael Jackson. Super Editor Jamie Says it gives her remarkable energy. Well, who doesn’t want remarkable energy? So I thought, I’ll give it a try. She said, “Some people are bothered by the look or the smell.” No! Not me! I used to put spinach in my fruit smoothies. Plus nothing grosses me out! I’ll be fine!

Last week I thought I was going to hurl my guts up.

I buy myself a juicer. The UPS guy brings it. I open the door. Get it. Set it right by the door in the living room. Where it stays for a week. And every day I’d walk by, and I’d think…um, nah. Not today. Finally after many days, I know I must try it. I’m strong. I can do this.

I used Editor Jamie’s recipe which involves tomatoes, carrot, spinach, cilantro, celery, and maybe something else I’m forgetting. I dunno, hair of the toad? I stick it in my new juicer and watch as this stuff eeks out.

Ew. Here’s what it looked like when it was done. Can you IMAGINE? It was all frothy and room temperature. Everyone knows Frothy+Room Temperature= GROSS.

So I mix it up. I can do this. I can do this. I want remarkable energy too! I want to WANT to vacuum or pick weeds or whatever it is people with remarkable energy do!

Down the hatch. I lift the glass. This is the bird’s eye view of the stuff coming my way.

My stomach cries out for chocolate donuts just reliving it.

And when you take away the cup, look what happens. The juicer drips green goo like a car drips oil.

So I thought…um, I’ll put it in a pretty mug and it will taste better. Maybe even my inspirational mug. A reminder of our Lord and Savior will help me toss this down my gullet.

Well, that did nothing but put a George Michael ditty in my head. Still could NOT drink the stuff. It SMELLED.

I know! I’ll try a beautiful glass that will look all special and dainty.

AHHHH! MUCH better!

NO! It wasn’t! Are you KIDDING ME? Fabulous Editor Jamie had told me that the healthy enzymes die within ten minutes of juicing, so I knew time was ticking. I HAD to drink this stuff. (Though at that time it smelled like enzymes and everything else were already rotting and on their way to the after life.)

I held my nose. Shut my eyes. And drank. Close your eyes and think of England…

I would like to tell you that it wasn’t really as gross as I thought it would be. But in third grade David Harris told me that liars go to hell. So I won’t say that. It was REVOLTING. It has a nice salsa aftertaste, but everything leading up to that yanks on my gag reflexes and makes me want to spew.

I am happy to report that I took seven drinks. I thought “Tomorrow I’ll work my way up to eight!” Well that was Monday. And my juicer still sits there. Unused. Staring at me. Wondering where it’s veggie goodness is.

And it’s in my salad.

Where it belongs.

Have a great, gag-free weekend!

JEN