Just got back from Mama Mia. It was pretty good. If you go, sit in the very back. I got seasick from all the moving around. Lots of hip jives and ta-tas being shook. But enough about me and my friends.

I did not see Dark Night, but everyone is RAVING about it. Usually if there aren’t a few guaranteed giggles, I’m not interested in the movie. So it’s yet to be determined if I see this one.

Speaking of giggles, my SIL Laura was telling me about getting online and googling “Wal-Mart” and “photo cake.” It’s so funny. This picture comes up. Someone apparently wanted a cake that said “Best Wishes Suzanne” and underneath that “We Will Miss You.” CHECK OUT what they got.

There’s a new trailer up for Twilight. You can see it HERE.

And as long as we’re talking trailers, here’s the new one for High School Musical Part III.

I’m not sure how I feel about the basketball duet. It’s pretty fem.

Okay, YA fans, I’m reading The Uglies. I’m struggling, but I’m gonna read it. Kind of a slow start. And it’s a big book. And so far nothing’s made me laugh. I’m hoping for a love scene or something. At least a banana-peel fall soon. Anything?

Turns out I like sweet potatoes. Who knew? I’ve gone my whole life without their orangey goodness. Seems kind of cruel now.

Went shopping with my mother this weekend. Overheard in Kohls:

Me: Mom, I got my back-to-school undies!

Mom: I’m just glad to know you wear them.

So Sunday after church, right after nacho time, right after nap time, but before walk in freakin’ heat time and Mama Mia time, I found the website that has all the Saturday Night Live short films. I accidentally caught Laser Cats III Sat. night and had to seek out parts I and II to learn the origins of cats who shoot concentrated fire out their butts. This is Laser Cats II, which might be the best. Please remember no cats were harmed in the making of this film.

You can watch parts I and III HERE.

I’m off to write. Or pretend to write. Or think about writing. Or pretend that I thought about writing. . .

JEN

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It’s that time. It happens twice a year. Things get really ugly around here, and I mean that literally. I get ugly. My house gets ugly. My yard–ugly. My clothing choices–ugly. My food habits–ugly. It’s what I call Deadline Uglies. Or Duglies for short.

Right now I’m a few weeks away from turning in a book and have TONS to do. And when I’m trying to figure out how a book is going to end and how to say some magic words that will result in the month of July being 3 weeks longer, I just let everything else go, knowing I’ll get to it (or pay someone else to) when the literary fallout is over.

This is definitely under the category of oversharing, but I’m going to show you my my coffee table. Keep in mind I’ve had my butt planted on the couch for the last few weeks night and day with my laptop. Okay…are you ready for this mess?

I know–call the Health Department, right? It’s like Where’s Waldo. You can’t find ANYTHING in that. Let me dissect it for you.

Okay, we have notecards ALL over the place. At various points throughout writing the book, I will make notecards for what I think should, might, and possibly happen. Sometimes I actually remember to refer to them. Sometimes I look at one and think “What the HECK does ‘aliens blow up K-Mart’ mean?” Right now I’m at my favorite part, which is where most of the notecards are useless and I just need the ones for the ending. Endings are the best. Ending notecards mean I’m weeks away from a big massage and some time off.

There’s the TV remote. Sometimes you have to stop writing and check to see who’s on Judge Judy. This is usually when I’ve already checked my email, ETonline, and Facebook.

My calculator, my trusty TI-81. I’ve had this thing for like 15 years and it has never failed me, except when I calculated my BMI, but that’s another story and not really it’s fault. So I have a word goal. Like the book needs to be around 75,000 words, so I drag out the calculator in desperate moments to see how many pages that would be. Right now I think I need 1,208 more pages.

My water bottle. By the end of the night I will have about ten bottle lids (you can’t recycle those) and a luke-warm bottle beside me. This means lots of trips to the bathroom. Which means it’s also a great opportunity to check Facebook. Again. Because someone could have written on my wall since I checked it last. Two minutes ago.

A laptop mouse. I don’t ever use this because I finally found a laptop with a touchpad I can work. It’s only taken like 20 years. Any other touchpad mouse makes me feel like I have some serious motor skill issues, and I can’t work it, and I just get mad and start yelling. But this mouse stands ready in case I lose the touch and my palsy returns.

The yellow sheet of paper is a list of all the things I need to go back and fix when I’m done. Like item number one: 1. Add a main character. Or item number two. 2. Get rid of all the aliens.

There’s the VCR remote because a friend taped Camp Rock for me, and I really want to see how much the Jonas Brother truly know about rocking.

Hidden on the left is a tin of almonds. Because they are good fat. And I need some good fat to make all the bad fat feel less lonely.

There’s also a fruit/nut bar wrapper. I just found these babies, and I love them. These things are called Prana Bars. I have no idea what that means. Did they mean Piranha Bars? Anyway, it’s just organic fruit and nuts. The package says it has “Raw Enzyme Power.” I don’t know what that is, but I was hoping if I ate it and yelled, “Raw Enzyme Power!” over and over I would like fly or something. Or at least be able to finish the next page. So far no aeronautics to report, but maybe I just need to eat more. But at 13 grams of fat, it makes a girl seriously consider a Snickers bar instead because that makes my mouth so very happy.

Next we have a People magazine. Sometimes when I have no idea where the story should go, nothing inspires me more than seeing who Madonna is not having an affair with. This week I read about Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman’s baby who was named after a woman in Australia who had a love affair with two men. May Sunday Rose flourish in that legacy, Keith. “Little girl, who are you named after?” “A slutty Australian!”

Okay, so we have a Nancy Drew computer game on the left. I’ve only played it once, and it was freakin’ hard, and I spent the rest of the afternoon sobbing at my ignorance and crying, “I’ll never be a Sassy Sleuth! Why God? Why?!” Below Nance is a book that was supposed to be “fab,” but like all the other I’ve picked up lately, there are vampires and stuff in it, and I just get confused at the different species. I’m a one species girl myself. Keeps things easy.

There’s a wad of paper with my gum in it. I tried to get off the couch to throw it away, but my butt was glued to the couch cushion. I ate another Prana Bar to make myself feel better.

In the distance you see a purple yoga mat. Right after I throw my laptop against the wall, I like to do some downward dogs.

There’s a calendar where I mark down what happens time-wise in the book. My editor likes me to do this because she insists on things happening in real time. I personally like to do away with time, gravity, and reality, but she is a total stick in the mud. A few times I’ve had like two Fridays in a week, and she just wouldn’t have it. Nor was she into snow skiing in February. But now that I think about it, why should I do all the bending? Maybe we should compromise. I mean, like in On the Loose, what’s WRONG with a character having three arms?

We have a Bible study book by Priscilla Shirer. This one is about learning to hear the voice of God. And I TRY and listen for His instruction. And when I don’t hear it, that’s usually when the laptop throwing and the downward dogging happens.

There’s also some loose change on the table. I have no idea what this is from, but there’s almost enough there to buy a Twix.

Finally there’s a candle. When I’ve written a bunch of crappy pages, I like to use this decorative accessory and light them on fire. I recommend disconnecting the fire alarm first because I don’t have time to deal with a book AND a truck full of firemen. . .at least not this week.

Well, I have a book to write and a coffee table not to clean. Please do me a favor and just keep my messy ways between us. Pinkie swear.

JEN

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Happy Monday!

I went to the health food store today. Do you know what I learned? I learned that mahi mahi fish are “voracious eaters” and can gain 10% of their body weight in one day. Is this supposed to amaze me? Give me a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and I can do that in one sitting.

It’s like random facts have been jumping out at me. I’ve heard them everywhere this past week. Did you know If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Given my career as a teacher, I could probably power my own Starbucks.

Speaking of random, I think my next pet might be a bunny.

Who knew bunnies were so useful? I wonder if I can get one that staples.

So a few weeks ago I went to a semi-pro baseball game. I have to admit…I’m unAmerican and do not like baseball. I don’t. It’s boring. There’s too much of THIS going on…

Yeah. Nothing. NOTHING going on. Way too much downtime for me. And what does any girl do during downtime? EAT. When hot dogs of questionable origin start looking good to me, you KNOW that’s too much free time.

The Arkansas Natural’s mascot is a Sasquatch. None of us there knew why.

So I don’t know really what or who he is, but I’m pretty sure he has an identical twin out there somewhere. And I dated him.

He wouldn’t let me take a shot from the front. I think his hairy celebrity status has gone to his head.

And what goes GREAT with a baseball game? Torrential rain!!!

So after two rain bursts, we finally gave up and headed to my friend’s Blazer. I had gone to the game to see some fireworks and hear the symphony. But I had to settle for some Madonna in the car and a sparkler a few days later.

So my super editor Jamie and I have been talking about Twilight the movie. I’ve finally accepted that the actress for Bella is a good pick. But Edward? Both of us are TRYING to withhold judgment. But it ain’t easy. Check out this Entertainment Weekly photo she found. You’ll have to scroll to the middle of the page HERE.

WHAT is with all that makeup? And do vampires wear lipstick? Why is he so pasty white? Why are his eyebrows so caterpillary? Why does he come closer to resembling a zombie more than a vampire? I don’t know ANY vampires that look like that. But I do remember someone else who does… He TOTALLY looks like the albino monk from Princess Bride. I don’t know what Bella’s thinking. If that were my boyfriend, I’d be all like, “You have GOT to go get some Mystic Tan. At the very least, some tinted moisturizer.” And what’s with the shirt hanging open? Is this supposed to be hot? Cause it’s not. Vampires are STRONG, Albino One. There should be some muscle there! What’s under his shirt? More Martha White pasty whiteness.

I should go write a book or field emails from offended albino monks. Have a great Monday!

JEN

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I’m so glad it’s Friday. Friday means I can sleep in. Friday means I can stay home all day and check Facebook write. Yesterday I was in the car for like three hours. I hate being in the car even for five minutes.

Besides the fact that no writing got done (but that’s what weekends are for, right?), I had a GREAT week. This is one of my favorite times of the year–Adventure Week!!! This is what we call VBS or vacation Bible school at my church. My church puts on a HUGE production for Adventure Week. I love being able to participate. This year my super cute nephew went!

“Jennifer is the BEST aunt in the world! She’s never mean and she knows the value of a McDonalds drive-thru eating vegetables!”

Check out this stage for Adventure Week. Our theme was Dirty Jobs, like the TV show on Discovery. (Who has yet to run a segment on teaching)

Isn’t that cool? And another cool thing is we tell our Bible stories through mini-plays or through characters. When I was in VBS as a kid we heard the stories through these archaic things called felt boards. Here’s a church that also likes to reminisce on their felt board past.

So on Wednesday I got to tell (act out) the story. It was SOOOO much fun. I was Super Sally the Stubborn Stain Solver, a little girl who was crazy about stain removal and not so crazy about her little brother. But I decided Sally needed a little speech impediment, so she became Thooper Thally the Thtubbon Thtain Tholver. (At one point I had to apologize for thpitting on the front row.) Here’s my cool set.

Now Super Sally was an expert on cleaning and stain removal, so before we started, I had to just spend some time with all those cleaning supplies and familiarize myself with them. I’m just not interested in anything cleaning related. At one point the sound and light guy saw me on stage head down, staring at all the stuff, and he said, “Are you praying?” Um, yes! Yes! That’s EXACTLY what I’m doing! Actually i was thinking Tide? What’s that? Pre-treater? You mean you don’t just throw the shirt away if you spill something on it?

Cleanliness REALLY takes a hit when I’m down to the last month of a book deadline. Like right now, I’ve GOT to tear away from the computer and clean my kitchen. There’s been a green evening bag in the floor all week. Which begs the questions: 1. Why haven’t I picked it up? 2. Why would an evening bag be in the kitchen? 3. Why do I even OWN an evening bag? I do not know the answers to those queries. I’m blaming it on the eagles.

Anyway, back to Adventure Week. We have a ministry tool EVEN BETTER than any felt board. It’s a slime machine!

Nothing says “I love Jesus” more than some purple goopy stuff! Our kids LOVE it. I don’t know why. When I was a kid I didn’t like anything that meant instant bath. But this slime machine is a huge hit.

But you know, how cool would it be to have your OWN slime machine? I know, as a teacher I would LOVE to have one. “No, Tommy there aren’t any dumb questions, but that’s the closest anyone ever gotten. Step inside my slime chamber, please.” Or when your little brother is driving you nuts? Or when your spouse ate the LAST pack of Oreos? Slime them.

This week I’m (trying) to read this book:

It’s another book about a girl who goes to a prestigious girls school. BUT no Gossip Girls here…it’s actually a secret school for spy training! Very clever premise. The book’s pretty good. But it’s kind of easy to put it down though. (Maybe I’ll find it on my kitchen floor later.) So since YA is my book choice this week, what are some great YA reads?

Have a great weekend. I’m going to try put my kitchen to rights. I think on my last walk-through I saw some skis, my nun chucks, and Osama Bin Laden.

JEN– Who should be writing. Or at least cleaning. But instead is blogging. And eating.

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