Am I the only one who sees a cuss word if you do a quick squint at that title?

So just got back from grand old Minneapolis from the American Christian Fiction Writers conference. It was a great week. My brain is just…mush. I’m pooped. Simply pooped.

I was supposed to continue my WWE trip pics, but I’m too tired to load the pictures. So I will just share a bit about the conference. (Also sans pics. Refer to lazy excuse in previous sentence.)

These things are a lot of fun. You mix and mingle. (Okay, I don’t. I zero in on one person and ask them 20 questions until their eyes start to glaze over. Then move on to my next victim…) You eat. A lot. You go to classes on writing, marketing, etc. There’s some great worship. And a keynote speaker. This year Angie Hunt blessed us with her presence. You see a TON of Christian fiction writers which is always cool.

Like last year, I keep a running list of comments that pop into my head. I’m a commenter. I’m somebody who has an opinion about EVERYTHING I see, hear, or smell, whether I share it or not. And as a huge people watcher/commentator, it’s hard to be in the presence of nearly 500 folks and NOT have my homegirls (Thelma, Louise, my mom, etc) to share it with. So I list so my brain won’t explode. This time I got 101 items. Ahem…here we go. This could be the most boring thing ever.

Random Conference Thoughts Popping in My Head

1. Would it be bragging to show perfect strangers my new retainer?

2. Why does makeup done in a hotel room make me look like a funeral parlor project gone horribly wrong?

3. Feather pillows. What the heck? Does this hotel hate me?

4. So tired. Is it rude to sleep through someone’s class on “Being a Lively Writer?”

5. Am I evil to skip worship and read the new People? Until they ask me to solo and do my tambourine dance to Amazing Grace, I refuse to feel the guilt. Every year I offer to shake it for Jesus…

6. I’m in a non-mingler’s nightmare.

7. (Thought at 2 am)  There’s something about a pillow case stuffed with lumpy feather wads that makes me miss my mentally challenged cat.

8. Books, books, books! Writing, writing, writing! Can’t we talk about something else? …Like Grey’s Anatomy?

9. I need a shot of Botox between the brows.

10. Schlumpy posture–it’s the new black.

11. You really can sleep with your eyes open.

12. Next time I’m packing a week ahead. No more two hours of sleep the night before a 3 a.m. wake-up.  I am death. Warmed over. Then microwaved. And grilled. Over hot coals. Then torched with a flame thrower.

13. I just said “freakin’” to a wholesome Christian author. She looked a little shocked.  I think I might’ve just dropped the Christian version of the F bomb.

14. Worn black the whole week. I’m in mourning. For sleep.

15. I think I would listen and absorb more if the classes were presented in a musical format. Landing an agent, Phantom of the Opera style……..Writing a Best Seller, as sung by Annie and Daddy Warbucks.

16. I miss email.
I miss Facebook.
I miss 24/7 access to a refrigerator.

17. I forgot my Fritos.

18. How is freakin’ inappropriate to some, but “abreast” is still generally acceptable? Frankly, people, your boob lingo offends me!

19. Real conversation:
Writer 1: What award are you up for?
Me: Shortest Author of the Year

20. If I taught a class, I’d set it to the tune of “Crank Dat Solja Boy.” And everyone must dance.

21. I’m in class. Learning how not to be a demanding diva of an author. So asking for Candy Bar of the Month Club in my contract…too much?

22. Someone just told a Calvinist missionary joke. Is now the time to work in the new one about Pamela Anderson’s bikini top? It’s a zinger.

23. True story:   Small classroom. Lady in second row asleep. Total body fold-over. I literally watched her for a few minutes to make sure there was breathing, and she wasn’t dead.

24. Not a lot of ADD Christians here. Is there a class on paying attention? Because I need to take it. I wonder how many flowers are in this carpet…

25. If I drop my glasses one more time, I’ll be wearing a monocle.

26. In class. The People magazine is calling my name. Must. Resist.

27. If there was an award for Worst Posture 2008 at this banquet, I’d be bringing home the gold. And the silver…and the bronze…

28. I love Midol.

29. Red peppers with breakfast? Surely you jest. You’re offensive to my potatoes.

30. Call 9-1-1. My hairspray can is broken.

31. T-shirt seen on another hotel guest: Go ahead. Make my pork chop.

32. Twix for breakfast. If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

33. “Marvelous.” I don’t ever use that word. I might work on that next week. Instead of writing. Or teaching. Or shaving my legs.

34. The sum total of my thoughts at the awards banquet:
Oh crap. Oh shoot. Oh crap…Hey, I have to pee.

35. Me at the airport Sunday still trying to find my gate with five minutes to spare: 
Oh crap. Oh shoot. Oh crap…Hey, I have to pee.

36. I love lunch.

Well, that’s it for the conference thoughts until Wednesday. The other million of them are strictly from the flight. We all KNOW how much I love to fly. It’s what makes my world go round. Stayed tuned for details on Billy Idol’s twin and in-flight Trick-or-Treating.

I really, really enjoyed meeting people this week and surviving the flights. But I’m THRILLED to be back to my pillow, my house, and my blog. Thanks all for commenting in my absence. How awesome is that? Just another reason to want to live through a plane ride.

Have a fab-o Monday.

JEN, who is about to pull a number 23 herself.