It’s almost nine pm as I write this. I am leaving tomorrow at possibly four am, and I haven’t packed a single thing for the ACFW conference. This is so ME!!! AUGH. The rest of this story goes: I will finish packing at 1:30 am-ish. I will then be so wound up, I can’t sleep. Then when my alarm goes off at 3:00, I will seriously consider canceling my trip, think about crying but skip it as I don’t have the energy, then yell at the alarm clock instead.

I will finally get up. The bags under my eyes will be bigger than my suitcase, which is guaranteed to be over the weight limit. I will be crabby and grouchy the rest of the day, but also unable to sleep on the plane because that time is reserved for begging for my life from the Lord because I have plane phobia. Or plane death phobia. When the flight attendant comes by with ten dollar Lorna Doones and beef sticks, I will seriously consider forking over the money because my common sense left me about six am, and with only five minutes of sleep, somehow dried beef carcass sounds amazingly good.

Repeat process for every trip.

WHEN will I stop doing this? I need help. I need a packing intervention. Or some of my students’ ADD meds. I seriously HATE packing with a burning, fiery passion. But it will get done. Eventually. But probably not for many hours yet. I still have Facebook to check and the silver to polish.

So anyway, say a little prayer for me as I travel. I decided to try flying standby so I can get to Minneapolis early and have some time at Mall of America. Is it wrong I’m going to a writer’s conference, and my priority is shopping? I mean this isn’t any shopping. This is MAJOR shopping.

Oh! I got my braces off. Isn’t that cool? Just in time to go to the conference. Maybe people will be so mesmerized by my super straight teeth, they won’t even notice my crankiness.

And I’ve been stressing for WEEKS about a dress for this shindig. We have a banquet Saturday night. In Between and On the Loose are actually up for some awards. So I wanted to get a new dress. But of course, when you NEED to buy something, you can’t find anything.  So after much searching (which for me involves lots of purchasing and then lots of returning), I found a cute dress at Banana Republic. But it’s all low and cleavagey. And I’m totally not about low necklines. They make me all self-conscious, and I break out in red splotches and it looks like I have some sort of Biblical skin plague. And so I couldn’t have the skin plague for the banquet or else no one would want to sit with me. Even though I would totally tell them I’m not contagious. (At least by the time dessert comes.)

And I have been trying all these ways to “fix” the plunging neckline because I really like the dress. So my final purchase (I’ve bought like six slips, spanx, and camis) is just a plain old camisoled slip. But it’s TOO freakin’ big. So tonight (after I made sweet potato fries and accidentally melted the salt shaker with the stove) I did some surgery on it and “fixed” the slip that I’ll wear to “fix” the dress. I took up the straps, but it’s not pretty as I am not a seamstress. Now there are these wads of material where I took it up and sewed it ( I might’ve been a bit rushed as my potatoes and various nearby plastic-ware were burning). So there won’t be any unnecessary skin showing…but there will be these mysterious lumps near each shoulder. Maybe I’ll cover those up with my Save the Planet backpack pins.

And speaking of Spanx (Can you tell I’m procrastinating? Because when I finish this, it’s packing time.), how in the WORLD do people wear those things? I am not a big girl. I’m no twig, but my tags usually say small or medium.  So last night one of my “fix it” purchases was this “spanx” like camisole-slip. I had to get EXTRA LARGE just to fit into the thing. And then I had to roll around on the floor just to get it off. It’s just this big tube of industrial strength lycra. You could patch up levies with it! And I thought it was going to cut my circulation off. I saw red dots before my eyes. I lost feeling in my legs. And I think I beat David Blaine’s time for not breathing. Seriously, those things are EVIL.

Okay, so this is all my blogging for this week unless I can get to a computer for Friday. I had planned to pre-blog, but I need to go organize my sock drawer and sweep and mop the garage pack.  Stay tuned for Mall of America coverage and more details on my night at WWE Raw (I love Batista!).

Have a fabulous Wednesday.

JEN