I have today off! Is that not the best? I taught one day, and I already get one off. If only it were a two-for-one deal the entire year.

DON’T FORGET to leave a comment through tomorrow to win the entire Drama Queens series by Tracey Bateman.

Did you know if you pre-order Chris Tomlin’s new CD (due Sept. 1st, not that I’ve been counting the hours or anything…) at a Lifeway store, you get it for the cheap price of 7.99 AND you get a five dollar gift card! What a deal! I wish they had handed out gift cards for buying Breaking Dawn. I deserve something for giving up two days of my life for that book.

I think I’m addicted to orange juice. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but you know, admitting it is the first step blah, blah, blah. I used to be addicted to tea. But I gave that up. And Diet Pepsi. I used to drink a truck-load a day. But no more. I’m so boring now! What are you addicted to?

Okay, after hearing so many people sing the praises of the BBC’s Robin Hood, I finally rented it from NetFlix. It was okay. I just watched the first three episodes, so maybe I need to hang in there. BUT when I went on the RH website, I read spoilers that made me NOT want to watch it anymore! The guy who plays Robin Hood is leaving the show! And I want to watch this series because….? And his lady-love is…oh, never mind. I won’t spoil it for you, but apparently the show has fallen to poop. I think I’d rather stick with Veronica Mars reruns.

You’ve probably seen this, but this would be my last day as a reporter if I were this guy.

If you check on YouTube, you will find all sorts of videos for “talking” cats. All they are are cats who can meow when spoken to. Big hairy fur ball. Miller can do this, and he walks into walls and trips over his own paws. But these two cats really seem to be having a conversation. Really cool.

To give equal time, here are two talking dogs. It’s heinously obnoxious, but I have to admit, the tiny dog throwing his head back makes me laugh.

I don’t know what this cat’s deal is, but Miller was asleep in the opposite end of the house and came running at the sound of this video. He had big “is the world ending?” eyes. Totally freaked out.

I think the cat is protesting their red carpet.

We lost a teacher and friend at our school this past Friday, so our school has had some sad days. But THIS video makes me happy. How can you see this and not smile?

Have a great week. And for those of you going back to school, I hope it’s a fun, zitless day, and your friends are in all your classes. And lunch isn’t gross. And a cute boy/girl sits behind you. And you make new friends. And you don’t have homework on day one. And you don’t have anything green in your teeth or hanging out your nose.

JEN

So…I’ve decided not to give away a copy of Breaking Dawn. Sorry. I will spare you my rant, but I really disliked the book and don’t really want to pass it on. If you disliked book three in the Twilight series, this reads about the same. But imho, worse. Mostly I was just pitifully bored with the book. I lost two days of my life reading it that I could’ve been…I dunno. Sitting on the couch for some other reason.

In lieu of no vampy book giveaway, I’m going to up the ante and give away THREE books. Recently I read That’s (Not Exactly) Amore by author Tracey Bateman. It is one of three in a series, and if you’d like to win all three, then just leave a comment now through next Wednesday. I’ll announce a winner on Friday, August 22nd. You can read an excerpt at the end of this post.

The August issue of Christian Fiction online magazine is up. You should check it out HERE!

It’s about time products like Gas-X realized what a goldmine they had and got creative with their commercials.

How cool would it be to write fart commercials? Sign me up! I have years of experience growing up with my brother to draw from.

Did you know Madonna just turned 50? That seems wrong. She should still be the twenty-something in an 80s prom dress rolling around on a gondola.

I have to confess I have not been watching the Olympics. I’m such a loser. And every day at work people are talking about it, and except for the swimming relay thingie with whats-his-name versus the French, I have no idea what they’re talking about. I’ve never seen people so psyched for the summer Olympics.

But this event will always be a little weird to me.

And I really think that guy should use those talents for something more meaningful. Like break dancing. Can you even imagine how awesome he’d be? He’s totally beyond the worm (which I still can’t do). He should skip the Olympics and do Step Up III.

So Sunday I bought some school supplies. The office supply places have been running like one cent pencil boxes and twenty-five cent mini staplers and all this stuff I can’t resist. Staples is absolutely the best for hooking teachers up with supplies. While the limit on one cent pencil boxes was two per customer, they let me have a whole box! So I have no IDEA what I’m going to do with 48 pencil holders, but for 55 cents, I couldn’t resist. Actually I’m going to play a game on parent day, and the winners will get pencil boxes that say “Ms. Jones Is My Favorite Teacher” in really classy Sharpie. Everyone will be wanting one, I’m sure.

After I left Staples, I went to Office Depot. They are a little more stingy with their supplies and didn’t offer me a box of anything. So as I was telling the clerk about Staples’ generosity, he said, “Oh, yeah? Well, did Staples have a back-to-school breakfast for teachers and serve Krispy Kreme donuts?” Oh, he got me there. “Um. . .no. They didn’t. I’m sorry, Mr. Office Depot. I guess Staples five cent protractors and nine cent packs of notebook paper can’t hold a candle to your free Krispy Kremes.” I took my fifty cent glue sticks and walked away, proud that our office supply stores see to our school needs as well as our insatiable donut requirements. They make me proud.

Well, I’m back at school. My kids aren’t back ’til Thursday. Learning all those names REALLY stresses me out. I am the worst at names. And it’s especially hard when you have 300 students. Today we had inservice and had one of the most boring speakers ever. (Sorry, dude, if you’re reading this. But when you said “We must never be boring or dull,” I wanted to shout out the definition of irony.) And today’s speaker committed a cardinal sin against teachers. As in the Golden Rule, which states: Your lecture must never extend into a teacher’s lunch time. This guy went 25 minutes into lunch! With boringness! I was about to crawl out of my skin. Boring speakers just insult me. I personally am never boring. My students are always hanging on my every word. . .my pocket taser might have something to do with it, but not necessarily.

Anyway, have a great Wednesday. Watch the Olympics for me.
JEN

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Tracey Bateman published her first novel in 2000 and has been busy ever since. There are two other books in the Drama Queen Series, Catch A Rising Star (#1) and You Had Me At Goodbye (#2)

She learned to write by writing, and improved by listening to critique partners and editors. She has sold over 30 books in six years.
She became a member of American Christian Fiction Writers in the early months of its inception in 2000 and served as president for a year.

Tracey loves Sci-fi, Lifetime movies, and Days of Our Lives (this is out of a 21 year habit of watching, rather than enjoyment of current storylines.

She has been married to her husband Rusty for 18 years, has four kids, and lives in Lebanon, Missouri.

ABOUT THE BOOK

When Laini Sullivan lands a job designing Nick Pantalone’s coffee shop, there are two problems: one, Nick’s nephew Joe hates all of her ideas and two, Laini has to admit he’s right–she’s a disaster at design. Still, she can’t risk losing the job. To compromise, Joe brings in help on the project, while Laini continues to bake the goodies that keep his customers lining up.
Their relationship is moving along, so when new guy Officer Mark Hall implies that Joe’s family is tied to the mob, Laini doesn’t want to believe it. But things spin out of control when she meets the family, including “the uncles,” who seem to confirm Mark’s suspicions. To make things worse, Nana Pantalone makes it clear Laini isn’t the kind of girl she has in mind for her grandson. Laini’s not sure if she should give Joe the benefit of the doubt or just set her sites on Mark and fuhgetaboutit.

“Tracey draws us into the world of family and friendship with a few surprising twists along the way Bravo!”
~RACHEL HAUCK, author of Diva NashVegas and Sweet Caroline

If you would like to read the first chapter of That’s (Not Exactly) Amore, go HERE

Omigosh.
I’m at school.

And it’s as bad as I thought.

I woke up at 4 a.m. worried. Worried about waking up at the unholy hour of six.

But my classroom is all clean and waxy. I can see my face in the tile. Not necessarily a good thing. Right now my face says I need more sleep. And lipstick. But who wears lipstick on the first day of teacher inservice? Not me. They’re doing good to get with with deodorant and clean teeth and leaving my LUCIFER CREATED SCHOOL t-shirt at home.

So last night I went to one of my favorite yearly events–a grape festival. There’s a town close by that has had this festival for 110 years! It’s actually a fundraiser for the local Catholic church. You eat their homemade spaghetti dinner (this is an Italian town) THEN…you eat grape ice cream. It’s a little odd, but you learn to love it. And then every night there’s some entertainment. This week they’ve had the winner of Nashville Star and some other folk. I’d tell you who I saw last night, but he wasn’t good, and we left when he started singing happy birthday to people.

There’s also a midway. Is this carnival slang for midget-sized fair? Anyway, I’m not a fan of fairs. Or circuses. Not into clowns either, but that’s another story. But carnival rides are weird, aren’t they? The whole theme of them all.

Like this. WHY do I want to bounce on something where the exit is a tiger’s butt?

And I’m a total baby when it comes to rides. Why are even kiddie rides scary? I mean is the head of a big cobra going to persuade me to get on? Um, no. Maybe if kiddie rides were friendlier–like a big smiley face roller coaster–I would’nt be scared of them today.

Carnival rides always look like they’re one loose bolt away from disaster too. I know NOTHING about engineering or how things work, but when I’m on a ride suddenly I’m inspecting every detail. And if there’s one SINGLE questionable looking piece of metal, my eye is drawn to it like money on the ground. I mean look at the people in this picture. Sure, they look happy. But really they’re just one revolution away from plunging to the ground. I didn’t want to tell that, being their final moments on earth and all.

And maybe this is the real reason why I’ve always hated rides.

I never passed the height test. I hate those stupid rulers. Rulers of Rejection. And now that I’m tall enough to meet the sadistic height requirement, I don’t want to ride. So there. I’ll keep my ten dollars per ride.

Here’s what I DO like about fairs.

The food. The weird drinks. Like what’s a lemonade shake up? Probably you drink a lemonade then go ride the Loopty-Loo and hurl on those below.

Fairs are GREAT for people watching too. Like this guy who obviously likes the food trailers as well.

Let’s get a better look, shall we?

Ew. I don’t know what that is, but I hope it was worth it.

Changing the subject, it was a sad weekend with the passing of Bernie Mac. AND Isaac Hayes. And don’t get me started on John Edwards. Ugh.

Something else I don’t want to get started on is Breaking Dawn. I finished it. I will give you the full report on Wednesday. But if you want some entertainment and are familiar with the series, definitely check out the reviews on Amazon. I think people are about to break out in civil war over this book. And I know which side I’ll be on. . .

Have a great week.

JEN

GREAT response for the book drawing! So cool. The winners are… Patty, Natasha, and Dani! And for kicks, a bonus winner–Natalie! After putting everyone’s name in a hat, I took Miller outside, let him eat grass, then whichever names he puked on, those were the winners!

So winners, email me from the website contact page and gimme yo addy. (And as usual, my disclaimer is that my post office is open like five minutes a day, so it might take a bit to get the books to you, but I will do it. Eventually.)

I still have not finished/started Breaking Dawn. I’m a reading loser right now.

Okay, did you hear that Lisa Marie Presley is having twins? WHAT IS THE DEAL??? Somehow…some way….I think the Scientologists are to blame. Speaking of twins, how about I had a set of twins this year in my classes, and it wasn’t until the end of the year that I figured out they were related–much less twins. And I kept getting them mixed up even! And thinking, “Wow–Jarrod sure looks a lot like Jacob. I’m always confusing the two. I wonder why!” NUTS. Sometimes…just not real observant. But now that twins are on my radar…I won’t make that mistake this year. If you are related, I will find you.

Just got back from a funeral of a friend I went to school with. We both grew up in the same small town, and everyone in a 50 mile radius came out. The church was packed out. I’ve never had a class reunion, so it was like a reunion there! This girl was so loved by all, and though I wasn’t that close to her, I remember I loved hanging out with her. Turns out everyone felt the same way. She was a hilarious, mischevious person and never missed an opportunity to laugh.

I saw a lady there that graduated from our school that I KNOW has had some serious plastic surgery. She didn’t even look the same! And saw a few gals had miraculously grown boobs since graduation. And some ladies had the nerve to NOT look a day older than they did when they left school. (I’m no longer liking them.)

One of the funnest things–I saw one of my seventh grade boyfriends! (Actually saw two, but only one was fun.) He’s now gay. So I guess if he couldn’t have me, no woman would do. He was still SOOO fun. Crazy fun. I remembered why I had the hots for him in junior high. He had a razor-sharp wit and could always just roll with my B.S. When he asked me how many children I had, I said, “Twelve.”
He said, “Oh, yeah?”
“Uh-huh. They’re in the car.”
“With the windows rolled up?”
“It’s only a hundred and ten.”
We could’ve been so good together. But I like boys. . . and he does too.

A few classmates did bring their kids. Now I feel bad for not bringing Miller. He could’ve meowed during the ENTIRE service. Shown them his cool tricks of shedding and belly flops. Who cares if your kid is on the honor roll? My cat runs into furniture. Beat that, class valedictorian of 1993.

This is my second funeral this summer that stemmed from a tragic, unexpected accident. Gets you to thinking. What if I suddenly died? First of all, another childhood friend Jeff is the local funeral director, and my sister-in-law and I have a pact that we will make sure if one of us goes, the other is to arrange the funeral out of town. WAYYY out of town. Neither one of us wants Jeff to see us all dead. And especially naked dead. What if I had bad underwear on? What if I hadn’t shaved my legs…like in days?

And then today I told another friend that there must be snacks at my funeral. When she asked what kind, I said, “Um…a chocolate fountain. One way or another I’m going to get one of those.”

Also I think they will have to find a REALLY good wig for me because no one is going to be able to do my hair. And I mean no one. Getting my hair to behave is a mix of patience, a recipe of hair products, plus a touch of voodoo. In all my years I’ve never had a hair dresser who could fix it, so I seriously doubt my old buddy Jeff could manage it either. I’d be in that casket with a big fro. And what’s scarier than death? Everyone’s final shot of you with hair that resembles the butt end of a poodle.

Also I want some kicking music. None of that sad stuff. I would like some Bon Jovi or maybe some Billy Idol. With videos, too, because when they play music, no one ever knows what to look at. And videos and chocolate dip go great together.

So October is YA month at American Christian Fiction Writers, and I totally need some help! The Big Picture and On the Loose are in the running to be picks for the month, and I need some SERIOUS votes. You don’t even have to be a member of ACFW to vote! But you do have to join the book club on Yahoo, but it’s SOOO easy!  So join the book club and vote for The Big Picture or On the Loose HERE. We need the votes!

My friend would’ve had the best time today with the whole town turning out for her funeral. A great day of catching up and remembering a giggly, rascal of a gal. And of course a group of us celebrated afterwards with Mexican food. Life’s too short to not have quesadillas.

Have a great day. Make it count.

JEN

Due to a little glitch, your chance to win a super fantabulous copy of The Big Picture has been extended through today! WOW! It’s like a BOGO sale extended at Payless. But not.

Just leave a comment by tonight, and you are entered to win the mother of all prizes. A book.

So yeah, Friday night I went to Barnes and Noble for the midnight release party of Breaking Dawn. I haven’t read it yet (get in line Stephenie Meyer, I have other books ahead of you!), but I have GOT TO soon because I feel so left out of the conversation. EVERYWHERE I go everyone is talking about this book. I must admit to picking it up last night and skimming through it. And what I read did not make me happy. Honestly I’m not a Twilight series devotee. I adored book one, but after that I lost that lovin’ feeling. I really struggled with books two and ESPECIALLY book three. But we’ll see. All I know is if I had a vampire baby I would NOT name it Renesmee (Renee + Esme–geez). And I would be having my mom babysit. A LOT. So Mother, be prepared. If I ever have any vamp babies, you will need to clear your schedule and break out the pack-n-play. And then at age five, of course, it will be shipped off to boarding school. Where it will write me sad, pathetic notes about the other kids making fun of it’s fangs. But those are the breaks, Vampy Baby. Ick.

So we made our first ever video spoof Friday night for Breaking Dawn. It was . . . interesting. The snacks were good though. I loaded my helpers down with Snickers, Oreos, Twix, Reeses, and for those who couldn’t handle all the sugar and wanted something in an actual food group–Cheetos! (dairy, of course!)

My helpers did a great job.

Moi (with a REALLY bad hair choice), Kelsey, Allie, Amy, and Stephanie W.

Aren’t our shirts cute? The best one was Go Wolf or Go Home, but that student isn’t in the pic.

In one section of Barnes and Noble there was this entire end cap of Harlequin type of books. BOY have those things changed! My grandma used to read them. . . um, not anymore! You would not BELIEVE the titles of these things! Like this one…(WARNING kids, PG18 cover here!)

The Millionaires Inexperienced Love-Slave? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And look at the picture. That is a great hot tub though–right in FRONT of the Sydney Opera House! I’m so freakin’ sure! Grandma, if you are still reading this stuff, I am very disappointed. (But if you have this particular one, I’d like to borrow it…for research purposes…)

But could that title be any funnier? They were all that way. No finesse whatsoever. Like The Story About His Girlfriend Who Only Wore Undies On Sunday. Or The Guy Who Was An Undercover Cop. And When I Say Undercover, That Is A Play On Words. I kept telling the girls to look away. But then they’d find a good one, and we’d all be gathered around it laughing. And then I’d come to my senses again. “No! Stop! Turn away! Resist!” Finally I had to flip all the covers. (Sorry Harlequin authors!)

And who knows when our video will be ready. It’s sitting on my camcorder…and that’s as far as I’ve gotten. I have no idea what to do with it. It’s like once I hit 25, any techie intelligence I had just evaporated. I really need to figure it out though if for no other reason than to show the bloopers. They’re my favorite. Anyway, thanks to all my helpers. So much fun! But it STRESSED me out. I had scripts for everyone, and as I was rehearsing my lines in the car on the way there (out loud), I missed my exit on the interstate.

I’m seriously about to choke a cat. I made the mistake of letting Miller outside, and the first time it scared him to death and he threw himself at the door to get back in. So we tried it again. . . and now it’s like meth. He can’t get enough. There’s NO getting it out of his system. But when he goes outside, he doesn’t go to chase birds or lounge in the sun like MOST CATS. No, he goes straight for a shrub and eats it. . . then promptly comes in and pukes. So I don’t let him out anymore. BUT then my formerly silent cat MEOWS from the time he gets up to the time he goes to bed. It’s GREAT. I LOVE IT. (I’m about the lose my ever-lovin’ mind. Do they make shock collars for cats?)

But it’s kinda hard to tell this face no.

I love to go outside! And I love to puke! I love to go outside AND puke!

Okay, have a great week! This is my last week before going back to school, so it will go by SOOO fast. I expect to wake up tomorrow and find out it’s Friday.

JEN