Somehow thist post didn’t make it up Friday. Just pretend like it’s last Friday.

Okay, so from now until August 4th you can win one of three copies of The Big Picture. Just post a message on the blog, and I will pick my favorites draw from a hat on August 4th.

Next week August gets here.
Next week I throw myself in front of a bus.

Did anyone see the three hundred appearances of Miley Cyrus on the morning show circuit? If you’re a Miley fan, it would’ve been a great week to be in New York City and see her for free. Do you think that’s her real hair color?

I got to stop by Novel Journey and guest blog on writing YA today! You can find that HERE. If you’re not checking out Novel Journey on a regular basis, you should. Unlike lazy me, THEY update their blog daily. And it’s a cool place to read author interviews and guest blogs. The fab ladies of NJ do so much to promote Christian fiction.

How would you like to have the name Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii? That’s exactly the name an 11 year old girl from New Zealand had, and this week a judge let her go against her parents and change it. Personally, I think it’s very nice of the parents to give a little shout out to one of our fine states. And Talula? I LOVE that name. In fact, I’ve been waiting to use it in a book. Seriously. One of Demi Moore’s kids is named Talulah. Which is better than Scout. And definitely better than Rumor. (Side note: I had a kitty named Rumor when I was a kid. I have no idea what happened to it. I think the neighborhood cats Barney, Fluffy, and Sox made fun of his name and he ran away.)

According to this Yahoo article, other names that have gotten a big NO are Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, and Keenan Got Lucy. But luckily the names Violence and Number 16 Bus Shelter slipped through. Those will be great names under some poor kid’s picture on a WANTED poster in about ten years when they go postal. When I went to kindergarten there were like four other girls with my name in my homeroom, so I thought that was torture. But that’s nothing compared to Fish and Chips. Apparently in the school I taught at, we used to have twins Linen and Percale Sheets.

Natalie passed on this FABULOUS YouTube clip.

Girls, if your boyfriend sounds like this you must make him promise never to talk. It would simply ruin it all.

Good news for Tyler Perry fans (and who isn’t?)! Lions Tate has announced a new deal with him that will have him cranking out Madea movies until 2011!! If you haven’t seen Diary of a Mad Black Woman and Madea’s Family Reunion, you HAVE TO!!!

There is some cussing, but Perry is a Christian guy in Hollywood busting down doors in amazing ways. And besides men in drag NEVER fail to crack me up. It’s like watching someone run into a door. It just never gets old! (Side note II: A few years ago I went to Nebraska for a wedding, and there was a drag queen convention in the same hotel I was at. I thought I had died and gone to People Watching Heaven.)

But where else but Tyler Perry movies could you get these lines?

Orlando: “I’ve got it so bad for you I’d… I’d go to the grocery store and buy your feminine products, I swear I would.”

Madea: “I aint scared a no po po. Call da po po hoe… Call da po po hoe!”
(A personal fave and surprisingly useful)

Madea: “I’ll be at church when they get a smoking section.”

Madea: “She don’t know me. I’m a straight-up thug. I shot Tupac. Yes, I did. We was arguing over a parking place.”

So you should definitely go rent some Tyler Perry this weekend. I personally will be sitting glass-eyed in front of my laptop checking Facebook 100 times finishing a book. But next week I will be busting out, so look out. It will be movies, ice cream, chocolate donuts, and TV watching all over the place. Diary of a Butt-sore White Writer. . .

Have a great weekend.

JEN

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It is a sad, sad day for America. Estelle Getty, the lovable Sophia from Golden Girls has passed away. A moment of silence if you wil…

I used to watch this show with my grandma, and at the time it was pretty racy. Did you know she failed her first two auditions as “Ma,” but on the third, she went in with frumpy clothes and told the makeup lady, “Look, this is just another makeup job to you, but my life is on the line here.” And she got the job! I liked her because she was feisty, snappy, and short.

Monday was my mom’s birthday! We had a big family dinner. Here’s a pic of the two of us.

My mom is the hot one on the right. In case you’re wondering where my teeth are, they’re behind the braces.

Speaking of braces, I found out today we’ll be spending more time together, braces and I. I’m so freakin’ mad I could punch someone in the nose serenely content about that. I thought I had timed it JUST right where they would be off by the time I went to the American Christian Fiction Writers’ annual convention, and I could look like a normal adult. I might take them off myself. I mean how hard would that be? And then I could just hot glue them back on when I returned from ACFW. But today I went to my ortho and after standing in line behind two twelve year olds, I tried out the ice cream machine. To make this day even sadder…the ice cream was gross! SERIOUSLY. How can ice cream be gross? I think there could be larva and bugs mixed in and I could still eat it. But this stuff didn’t even taste like ice cream. It looked like it, but I was not deceived. With a tear in my eye, I threw it away. Tragic. What is this world coming to? (Mother, please take “small ice cream machine” off my Christmas list. Obviously it doesn’t work. I’ll need the restuarant-sized one afterall.)

So we also celebrated my eight year old nephew’s birthday too. During dinner he wanted me to sit by him. I thought that was sooo sweet. Until he spent the ENTIRE time talking to me about all the reasons why I should let him open a present early.

This is about the point he was saying something about how I’m so mean, and I’m supposed to be the nicest aunt ever, blah, blah, blah. I was a millisecond from caving before he got up to harass someone else.

Toward the end of the night, my niece and nephew (and their grandpa) got into a water gun fight. In the house. My niece Katie Beth REALLY got into it.

She kinda didn’t get the idea that’s it’s about shooting others, not how wet you can possibly get.

The awesome Maddee Schrader, who happens to have the same b-day as Katie Parker, posted an interview with me at Real Teen Faith. You can see it HERE. It’s a great site to look around. Lots of good info on there!

Okay, I’m off to write. Must wrap up Charmed, I’m Sure, book two in the new series SOON.

Have a great week!

JEN

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Just got back from Mama Mia. It was pretty good. If you go, sit in the very back. I got seasick from all the moving around. Lots of hip jives and ta-tas being shook. But enough about me and my friends.

I did not see Dark Night, but everyone is RAVING about it. Usually if there aren’t a few guaranteed giggles, I’m not interested in the movie. So it’s yet to be determined if I see this one.

Speaking of giggles, my SIL Laura was telling me about getting online and googling “Wal-Mart” and “photo cake.” It’s so funny. This picture comes up. Someone apparently wanted a cake that said “Best Wishes Suzanne” and underneath that “We Will Miss You.” CHECK OUT what they got.

There’s a new trailer up for Twilight. You can see it HERE.

And as long as we’re talking trailers, here’s the new one for High School Musical Part III.

I’m not sure how I feel about the basketball duet. It’s pretty fem.

Okay, YA fans, I’m reading The Uglies. I’m struggling, but I’m gonna read it. Kind of a slow start. And it’s a big book. And so far nothing’s made me laugh. I’m hoping for a love scene or something. At least a banana-peel fall soon. Anything?

Turns out I like sweet potatoes. Who knew? I’ve gone my whole life without their orangey goodness. Seems kind of cruel now.

Went shopping with my mother this weekend. Overheard in Kohls:

Me: Mom, I got my back-to-school undies!

Mom: I’m just glad to know you wear them.

So Sunday after church, right after nacho time, right after nap time, but before walk in freakin’ heat time and Mama Mia time, I found the website that has all the Saturday Night Live short films. I accidentally caught Laser Cats III Sat. night and had to seek out parts I and II to learn the origins of cats who shoot concentrated fire out their butts. This is Laser Cats II, which might be the best. Please remember no cats were harmed in the making of this film.

You can watch parts I and III HERE.

I’m off to write. Or pretend to write. Or think about writing. Or pretend that I thought about writing. . .

JEN

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It’s that time. It happens twice a year. Things get really ugly around here, and I mean that literally. I get ugly. My house gets ugly. My yard–ugly. My clothing choices–ugly. My food habits–ugly. It’s what I call Deadline Uglies. Or Duglies for short.

Right now I’m a few weeks away from turning in a book and have TONS to do. And when I’m trying to figure out how a book is going to end and how to say some magic words that will result in the month of July being 3 weeks longer, I just let everything else go, knowing I’ll get to it (or pay someone else to) when the literary fallout is over.

This is definitely under the category of oversharing, but I’m going to show you my my coffee table. Keep in mind I’ve had my butt planted on the couch for the last few weeks night and day with my laptop. Okay…are you ready for this mess?

I know–call the Health Department, right? It’s like Where’s Waldo. You can’t find ANYTHING in that. Let me dissect it for you.

Okay, we have notecards ALL over the place. At various points throughout writing the book, I will make notecards for what I think should, might, and possibly happen. Sometimes I actually remember to refer to them. Sometimes I look at one and think “What the HECK does ‘aliens blow up K-Mart’ mean?” Right now I’m at my favorite part, which is where most of the notecards are useless and I just need the ones for the ending. Endings are the best. Ending notecards mean I’m weeks away from a big massage and some time off.

There’s the TV remote. Sometimes you have to stop writing and check to see who’s on Judge Judy. This is usually when I’ve already checked my email, ETonline, and Facebook.

My calculator, my trusty TI-81. I’ve had this thing for like 15 years and it has never failed me, except when I calculated my BMI, but that’s another story and not really it’s fault. So I have a word goal. Like the book needs to be around 75,000 words, so I drag out the calculator in desperate moments to see how many pages that would be. Right now I think I need 1,208 more pages.

My water bottle. By the end of the night I will have about ten bottle lids (you can’t recycle those) and a luke-warm bottle beside me. This means lots of trips to the bathroom. Which means it’s also a great opportunity to check Facebook. Again. Because someone could have written on my wall since I checked it last. Two minutes ago.

A laptop mouse. I don’t ever use this because I finally found a laptop with a touchpad I can work. It’s only taken like 20 years. Any other touchpad mouse makes me feel like I have some serious motor skill issues, and I can’t work it, and I just get mad and start yelling. But this mouse stands ready in case I lose the touch and my palsy returns.

The yellow sheet of paper is a list of all the things I need to go back and fix when I’m done. Like item number one: 1. Add a main character. Or item number two. 2. Get rid of all the aliens.

There’s the VCR remote because a friend taped Camp Rock for me, and I really want to see how much the Jonas Brother truly know about rocking.

Hidden on the left is a tin of almonds. Because they are good fat. And I need some good fat to make all the bad fat feel less lonely.

There’s also a fruit/nut bar wrapper. I just found these babies, and I love them. These things are called Prana Bars. I have no idea what that means. Did they mean Piranha Bars? Anyway, it’s just organic fruit and nuts. The package says it has “Raw Enzyme Power.” I don’t know what that is, but I was hoping if I ate it and yelled, “Raw Enzyme Power!” over and over I would like fly or something. Or at least be able to finish the next page. So far no aeronautics to report, but maybe I just need to eat more. But at 13 grams of fat, it makes a girl seriously consider a Snickers bar instead because that makes my mouth so very happy.

Next we have a People magazine. Sometimes when I have no idea where the story should go, nothing inspires me more than seeing who Madonna is not having an affair with. This week I read about Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman’s baby who was named after a woman in Australia who had a love affair with two men. May Sunday Rose flourish in that legacy, Keith. “Little girl, who are you named after?” “A slutty Australian!”

Okay, so we have a Nancy Drew computer game on the left. I’ve only played it once, and it was freakin’ hard, and I spent the rest of the afternoon sobbing at my ignorance and crying, “I’ll never be a Sassy Sleuth! Why God? Why?!” Below Nance is a book that was supposed to be “fab,” but like all the other I’ve picked up lately, there are vampires and stuff in it, and I just get confused at the different species. I’m a one species girl myself. Keeps things easy.

There’s a wad of paper with my gum in it. I tried to get off the couch to throw it away, but my butt was glued to the couch cushion. I ate another Prana Bar to make myself feel better.

In the distance you see a purple yoga mat. Right after I throw my laptop against the wall, I like to do some downward dogs.

There’s a calendar where I mark down what happens time-wise in the book. My editor likes me to do this because she insists on things happening in real time. I personally like to do away with time, gravity, and reality, but she is a total stick in the mud. A few times I’ve had like two Fridays in a week, and she just wouldn’t have it. Nor was she into snow skiing in February. But now that I think about it, why should I do all the bending? Maybe we should compromise. I mean, like in On the Loose, what’s WRONG with a character having three arms?

We have a Bible study book by Priscilla Shirer. This one is about learning to hear the voice of God. And I TRY and listen for His instruction. And when I don’t hear it, that’s usually when the laptop throwing and the downward dogging happens.

There’s also some loose change on the table. I have no idea what this is from, but there’s almost enough there to buy a Twix.

Finally there’s a candle. When I’ve written a bunch of crappy pages, I like to use this decorative accessory and light them on fire. I recommend disconnecting the fire alarm first because I don’t have time to deal with a book AND a truck full of firemen. . .at least not this week.

Well, I have a book to write and a coffee table not to clean. Please do me a favor and just keep my messy ways between us. Pinkie swear.

JEN

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