Happy Friday!

I just want to say that I watched season seven (finally) of Gilmore Girls, and I’m a little disturbed by it. Like I think I might need meds to deal with the trauma. It did not go how I wanted it to until like the last five minutes. So like 16 episodes of yuck and 300 seconds of “IT’S ABOUT TIME!” Thank you writer Amy Sherman Palladino for leaving after season six. I carry no grudge. None at all. (I am so finding this woman and TP’ing her house.)

So my editor has mentioned juicing to me. Not as in the type of juicing that leads to chest hair on women and guys talking like Michael Jackson. Super Editor Jamie Says it gives her remarkable energy. Well, who doesn’t want remarkable energy? So I thought, I’ll give it a try. She said, “Some people are bothered by the look or the smell.” No! Not me! I used to put spinach in my fruit smoothies. Plus nothing grosses me out! I’ll be fine!

Last week I thought I was going to hurl my guts up.

I buy myself a juicer. The UPS guy brings it. I open the door. Get it. Set it right by the door in the living room. Where it stays for a week. And every day I’d walk by, and I’d think…um, nah. Not today. Finally after many days, I know I must try it. I’m strong. I can do this.

I used Editor Jamie’s recipe which involves tomatoes, carrot, spinach, cilantro, celery, and maybe something else I’m forgetting. I dunno, hair of the toad? I stick it in my new juicer and watch as this stuff eeks out.

Ew. Here’s what it looked like when it was done. Can you IMAGINE? It was all frothy and room temperature. Everyone knows Frothy+Room Temperature= GROSS.

So I mix it up. I can do this. I can do this. I want remarkable energy too! I want to WANT to vacuum or pick weeds or whatever it is people with remarkable energy do!

Down the hatch. I lift the glass. This is the bird’s eye view of the stuff coming my way.

My stomach cries out for chocolate donuts just reliving it.

And when you take away the cup, look what happens. The juicer drips green goo like a car drips oil.

So I thought…um, I’ll put it in a pretty mug and it will taste better. Maybe even my inspirational mug. A reminder of our Lord and Savior will help me toss this down my gullet.

Well, that did nothing but put a George Michael ditty in my head. Still could NOT drink the stuff. It SMELLED.

I know! I’ll try a beautiful glass that will look all special and dainty.

AHHHH! MUCH better!

NO! It wasn’t! Are you KIDDING ME? Fabulous Editor Jamie had told me that the healthy enzymes die within ten minutes of juicing, so I knew time was ticking. I HAD to drink this stuff. (Though at that time it smelled like enzymes and everything else were already rotting and on their way to the after life.)

I held my nose. Shut my eyes. And drank. Close your eyes and think of England…

I would like to tell you that it wasn’t really as gross as I thought it would be. But in third grade David Harris told me that liars go to hell. So I won’t say that. It was REVOLTING. It has a nice salsa aftertaste, but everything leading up to that yanks on my gag reflexes and makes me want to spew.

I am happy to report that I took seven drinks. I thought “Tomorrow I’ll work my way up to eight!” Well that was Monday. And my juicer still sits there. Unused. Staring at me. Wondering where it’s veggie goodness is.

And it’s in my salad.

Where it belongs.

Have a great, gag-free weekend!

JEN

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Facebook is the devil. That’s all I want to say. It lures me in. Like every five minutes. So if I don’t get this book written, it’s all because I was changing my status every five minutes and picking out my flare.

Know what else is evil? The ice cream in my freezer. So I took that and some sundae stuff to Bible stuff last night. And there was so much left over, I brought it home–thinking I could handle it at my house until the next event. No! I CAN’T handle it! AND I have bananas at my house, so it’s like banana splits ALL DAY LONG. Someone needs to physically remove the ice cream (and hot fudge. okay, and the caramel.) from my house! I’m too weak!

So there are woods in the back of my house. And it’s turned into a freakin’ bird sanctuary. It’s driving me nuts. I have at least two hawks that talk NONSTOP. They are obnoxious! I am HATING nature right now! (As one friend pointed out, maybe the manic woodpeckers I got rid of sent them.) One of them will even stop by and hang out on my deck some times. Here he is.

I call him Loud Obnoxious Bird Who Needs to Fly Away. LOBWNTFA for short.

This is LOBWNTFA’s Exorcist impression where he spins his head completely around and looks at me like he’s about to claw my eyes out.

He’s seriously thinking about attacking here. He is not into having his picture taken.

And here we have wing lift-off. This would be where I had a vision of the bird clawing through my screen and me screaming and begging him to let me keep my eyeballs.

I think we both took our leave after that shot.

I mentioned seeing singer Tim McGraw a few weeks ago. Recently in a concert he took a drunk guy (we’ll call him Bubba) to task for manhandling a lady in front of the stage. Tim got a bird’s eye view of that and put a stop to it. It’s only good in the beginning, but notice the moment he pulls back his fist. If security didn’t take care of it, ‘ol Tim would. And I LOVE the line that he picks up with right after the guy is carted off.

Have a great Wednesday and Thursday. I’m off to change my Facebook status write.

JEN

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Happy Monday!
I thought it was time to review some youtube. (In other words, it’s summer, I have no life, and ergo, I have nothing to talk about because I’m so dull.)

My students are ALWAYS talking about the Jesus parodies.Apparently they even show them in their youth group. There are a whole series of them on youtube, but no. 4 is my favorite.

Here’s my PSA (public service annoucement) for this week. If I don’t put down my People and E! and watch some more CNN, I could turn into her!

What would you do if this guy was your dad? I would run away.

Funny Bud Light commercial (PSA No. 2, Do Not Drink Beer. It’s makes you grow chest hair. Ask my friend Leslie.)

How do you know you have too much time on your hands? When your cat can do tricks like this. This puts Retarded Miller to shame (hang on past the “gimme five.”)

I’m all about using as few words as possible. And since “Dude” has returned to our vernacular, life indeed got easier. (Again, don’t drink beer. It makes you have to shave your legs 3x a day.)

That’s all. I will try and find something exciting to talk about for Wednesday. I’ll probably have to make it up though. So either by Wednesday I’ll have had a chance meeting with Princy William, or Brad Pitt will have called to say he wants to get back together. We’ll see.

Have a great week!

JEN

5 comments

Happy Friday to you!

After seeing Indiana Jones, I felt a little burned by the movie industry (and possibly the planet Mars). But today Hollywood redeemed itself by a little flick called Kung Fu Panda. My super cute nephew and I went to see it. My nephew had popcorn, Pepsi, a King-sized Reese’s, and M&Ms. Don’t need DNA to see he’s related to me.

Anyway, I recommend Kung Fu Panda. As a fu expert myself (I’ve seen two Jackie Chan movies plus some old Chinese movie with subtitles), this movie isn’t sheer slap-stick like Shrek. It’s got a little message. And it has some cool visuals and effects. I was pretty impressed. And even though I haven’t liked all of Jack Black’s movies, he is almost unbeatable for voice-overs.

Kung fu would sure come in handy in a lot of situations. Like when I’m standing in the 100 deep line at the post office (the one that’s open like 2 hours a day), and I want to sweetly “ask” people to let me cut to the front. Or you’re driving with a friend in the car and someone cuts you off. You can say, “Here. Take the wheel. I need to jump over to that other car and do some kung fu.” When the Starbucks barista gives you a lukewarm hot chocolate? “Um, excuse me, barista, but my lethal karate chop hands would like another hot chocolate. Oh, and unless you want to see my crazy roundhouse skills, I’d like extra whipped cream.”

Did you ever see the movie A Christmas Story? You know, the movie that shows for TWENTY FOUR hours on TBS on Christmas. The company that makes the Red Rider BB gun, Daisy, is celebrating it’s 50th anniversary. It’s located about 15 minutes away from me. I totally worked there one summer before I left for college. There were people there that had worked at Daisy for like 30 and 40 years. One lady I worked with got married at age 16 and had worked at Daisy ever since. After shooting bb guns all their lives, a lot of these people had severe hearing loss, so I heard the word “huh?” a lot.

My favorite job was assembling and testing paintball guns, which sounds a little cooler than it really was. Nobody ever let me play with the paint cartridges. I don’t know why. To me, it would have been the thoughtful thing to do. I also got to carve the extra plastic off of the paintball containers. My supervisor told me I did such a good job I should consider a whittling career at Silver Dollar City in Branson, MO. I always pictured myself more as a square dancer or saltwater taffy taste tester. Possibly a yodeler.

Finally, congrats to Jamie Lynn Spears on the birth of her daughter. And Jamie, if you are reading this, seventeen is too young to get married, and please do not let the Jolie-Pitt team adopt baby Maddie. And you did an awesome job of turning Hollister t-shirts into maternity wear. I tried to turn Hollister T’s into teacher uniforms, but no luck, so I applaud you.

Have a great weekend.

JEN

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I haven’t seen a famous person in over a week, and I’m going through withdrawals. I take that back–I was at a wedding Saturday and saw a pro football player, and even though everyone else around me was in awe, I was like, “WHO?” I don’t know if he was famous, but I do know he could’ve squashed me like a bug with one hand. Big guy. Could’ve been a stunt double for the Hulk.

I get my laptop back today. My laptop had to go to the Dell doctor for a minor problem. We haven’t ever been separated in the year we’ve been together, so it’s been hard. I should probably throw a welcome home party or something.

So yeah, the braces. I think they are just for the summer. I had braces just a few years ago, and you forget the little nuances of wearing them. I forgot that I always had to cut everything I ate into little pieces to cut down on getting stuff stuck in them. So on day two last week, I’m eating a salad (luckily at home), and I happen to walk by a mirror later, and there hanging out of my braces is like a whole package of spinach.

My ortho said I was a “good sport” for getting them on again and to reward me gave me the clear braces. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE KIDDING? There is still nothing clear about these things. We all see them. We all know they’re there (especially when you have shrubbery sticking out of them). But it was a nice gesture all the same.

My ortho got a new space-age office. It is FAN-CEE. You walk in and it’s all brown and green and metal and stuff. And there’s a wall-size waterfall on your right to soothe your braces-getting nerves. Flat screens everywhere. But the best part…is the new refreshment area. There’s a small fridge of drinks. There’s a cool Starbucks coffee dispenser. But the coolest…

There’s an ice cream machine!!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I’d wear braces every day for that! This thing is the coolest. It’s about the size of a dorm refrigerator. It’s PERFECT. I want one for Christmas! (of course I’ve been asking for a chocolate fountain for years and Santa has YET to bring that.)

By the way, this blog is turning me into a total wack-job. I saw the ice cream machine as I was sitting on the opposite side of the space-age lobby, remembered I had my camera, and KNEW I had to get a picture. So I stare down everyone in the lobby, wait for JUST the right time when no one is looking…get out my camera, check lobby folk again, zoom in, and snap! Then knowing everyone saw the flash, I shove the camera under my purse and stare at CNN on the flat screen like I’ve been engrossed in the story all along, total innocence on my face. I’m a total photo deviant. Flash? What flash? I didn’t notice anything. Who would take a picture in the orthodontist’s office? That’s crazy. I’m sure!

I gotta go get ready for my laptop’s homecoming. Reunited and it feels so good…

JEN

6 comments