I keep getting this question–so I wanted to give the answer. Again. No, there will not be a fourth installment of the Katie Parker series. Three is it. At least for a while. And that’s a lonnnngg while. I really appreciate the interest, and I know Katie and Maxine (and all their boy toys) have a lot of mileage left, but Katie needs a break. But you never know. What I do know is if there’s ever a book four, it will be YEARS from now because I have stuff in the pipe, and none of it is Katie-related. But it’s really cool that people care.

I went to the dr. yesterday for a little check-up. Why is it doctor’s offices always have the LAMEST magazines? And not only that, but they have trick mags, too. Like you pass by all the stupid ones, then you see a Glamour or Southern Living, pick it up–only to see it’s from 1986. It’s just cruel. Seriously, my magazine choices yesterday were New Jersey Life (I live in Arkansas), Golf (how can you have enough to say about golf that it fills a magazine–every month?), Junior League (are you kidding me?), and 6 varieties of parenting magazines (did you know there are websites dedicated JUST to diaper rash?).

So I check in and the clerk wants my drivers license. And she wants to discuss my HAIR in the picture! That is so tacky! Everyone knows the unspoken rule of never even acknowledging there is a picture on the thing PERIOD! I have to admit, I do smile for my driver’s license pic. I despise pictures in general and refuse to pose, but a drivers license is different. You’re stuck with that thing for like four years! You have to look at it every time you get into your wallet. So even though I always feel a little stupid smiling during the entire count of three at the DMV, I do it anyway. It’s as close as I’m ever going to get to a Glamour Shot.

So President Bush’s daughter got married. I thought all her arrangements were really low key and cool (minus the 400 bridesmaids). I think she had like 14 of them. Okay, if I had to have 14 attendants, I would have to PAY perfect strangers to stand in. Do I even know 14 people? “Hey, Connie, remember we went to third and fourth grade together? And you didn’t get invited to sleep-overs, so I invited you to my birthday party? Yeah, you totally owe me. Buy yourself some dyeable shoes.” I think the best thing said about the wedding came from G-Dubya himself. He paused. He smiled. He shook his head and said, ‘We’re mighty blessed.” Is that not the sweetest thing ever? I don’t care what you think of the man, that was a great (Texas) dad moment.

Speaking of parents, did you know Scientologists don’t do baby formula or breast feeding? Seems their founder L. Ron Hubbard traveled back in time some (and to Heaven),and on one of these trips (insert Star Trek music here) he went to ancient Rome and discovered this recipe for baby formula. It’s made of barley water, homogenized milk, and honey. Apparently it also keeps the babies fussy and rots their teeth. Good work, L. Ron. Good work. Besides, if I’m gonna rot my teeth on something, I’d rather it be Sweet Tarts or Laffy Taffy. Not barley and honey. AND if you’re going back in time, WHO is going to waste those moments on finding out secret baby formulas? I want to know who shot JFK! What’s REALLY in Twinkies! What did the Romans wear under their togas?

Have you seen the trailer to Twilight?

It has some serious potential I think. I didn’t like the pick for Edward at first, but after about the 226th viewing, he grew on me. I think I expected him to be older though–he’s such an old soul (literally) in the book. But I do think they might’ve missed the boat on some of the Cullen family. You can see them on a clip on MTV HERE.

My agent and friend Chip MacGregor has a yearly Bad Poetry Contest in honor of his birthday. I didn’t participate this year (I know–with my mad rhymes, I totally could’ve brought home the gold.), but they are still fun to read. Go HERE and check the entries for May 3 and May 7.

I think I couldn’t participate this year because my poetry is just too good. I can’t even TRY to sound bad. When you’ve got the skills, you’ve just got it. Here is an example from a post from last November. It’s a real heart tugger. You might remember it.

Oh, Jeans

Jeans, you are so lovely.
Jeans, you are so true.
I think of you often.
I like you cuz you’re blue.

Jeans mean I don’t wear heels.
Jeans mean I don’t wear hose.
Jeans mean I have laughter in my heart
And sometimes it comes out my nose.

Denim is a heavenly fabric.
God surely was behind Levi and Strauss.
And now I’m kinda stuck here.
Cause I need to use the word “blouse.”

Jeans make me feel oh so special.
Jeans don’t make me feel under the weather.
Bet you wish you could wear jeans in Dec.
Then we could all be happy together!

(insert snapping and clapping here).

I know. It’s pretty awesome. I’m currently working on a sequel, tentatively titled “Sweats.” None of my publishers have asked me to write a book of poetry yet, but I know that day is coming, so I better be prepared.
You can’t just throw that kind of brilliance together overnight.

Have a good Wednesday. After today I only have TWO MORE WEDNESDAYS!!!!!! I think I’m gonna go write a haiku about that…

Jen

I hope everyone had a good Mother’s Day weekend. I know I did! We had a big family dinner at my aunt’s. My cousin’s daughter gave all of us ladies little gifts for the event, even though I’m not a mom. But you know what, I’m a cat owner. And we should totally have our own holiday. Is my job not valuable too? I suggest National Cat Owner Day because:

1. I have to clean a litter box. At least once a month. It can be stressful.

2. My cat will NOT tolerate a food bowl that is not filled to the brim. You don’t know pressure until you’ve seen “the look” as he stares over his bowl. Then back at you. Then to the food.

3. My cat will sleep lengthwise in the bed, and I will be barely hanging on to the edge. And instead of booting him out, I just let him hog the space. Moms aren’t the only ones who understand sacrifice.

4. My hearing has been compromised due to the yearly screeching that ensues when we go to the vet. Or Kitty Hades.

5. Shedding. Enough said.

So today Miller (the cat) got to go outside for the first time in his six years. I have felt so bad about him now being an only cat, that I wanted to make his life better somehow. (In some way that doesn’t involve a new puppy or kitty or anything else that we all know by now will be diseased or demented in some way and have to be put down and I will spiral into a deep depression and hate the world. again. for the fifth or sixth time.)

I was sitting on my back porch this afternoon when the idea struck. I went and grabbed the cat (big mistake. these things need to be their idea) and then I barricaded the entry to the deck steps so Miller couldn’t get down. It was an intricate, well designed setup. Okay, it was some boxes of books, a few of my jackets, and one over-stuffed laundry basket.

I put Miller on the deck, so proud of this moment for him. I could hear Chariots of Fire playing somewhere.

And then he freaks out. He starts jumping on the door, desperate to get back in.

AUGH!!! WHAT IS THIS??? It’s like another planet out here! Make it go away! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!

And then Miller proceeds to try and throw himself off the deck before I staged an intervention and took him inside. So um, we’ll have to try that in smaller doses, I think.

Also this weekend I saw Iron Man. GO SEE IT! I don’t want to say it’s amazing because when people say that, then it’s ALWAYS a letdown. But it was pretty good. There were a few things in there that you’re like, “Oh, come on! That could NOT happen–even in super hero world.” But it’s still really good. And I ask forgiveness for ever doubting Robert Downey, Jr. as a super hero. I have always liked him, but he’s more of a brooding, intellectual sort. And that ends up being why he’s perfect for this part. Well, that and he bulked up with 20 lbs of muscle. (Seriously, People mag said 20 lbs. I’d love to have some biceps, but if I gained 20 lbs of muscle, I’d probably start crying. And topple over.)

IF you go see the movie (and those of you over 13 are, right?), you have to stay until after the credits. And there are a million credits. I think if you ever knew a single actor in the film, your name is listed. John Pierce, toilet paper restocker for Mr. Downey’s trailor… Cecilia Thomas, person who puts napkins out at donut table… Phillip Hoff, some guy who walked by the set and waved…

Have a good week. I am going to go watch TV write my next book.

Jen

Happy Friday!!

They were making a big deal about this YouTube clip today on GMA.

For some reason this really doesn’t impress me. I think it’s because we ladies do this stuff ALL the time. I mean, I don’t jump off a house to get into my jeans or anything. Well, maybe a small shed.

So Linsay Lohan’s mom Dina got Mother of the Year from Mingling Moms of Long Island. What do you think a Mingling Mom is? I’m thinking about signing my mom up for it. Then Li Lo and I could hang out. I could totally help her get off the sauce. And she could help me stay away from caffeine. We could suffer together. (I’ve TOTALLY fallen off the wagon! Do NOT tell my fanatical doctor.) Anyway, Mom, start practicing your mingling.

A few weeks ago I got to stop by quite a few blogs and hang out. This one was one of my favorites. Scrambled Dregs–don’t you love the name? It is ALWAYS nice when people interview you and give you some PR for the book. (The Big Picture, by the way is available at a store near you now. Would make a great Mother’s Day, graduation, or National Towel Day present.) But to be honest, I STINK at talking about the books. I’d just always rather talk about other important things. Like the next Twilight book. Or Ryan Seacrest’s clothing choices in Idol. So I REALLY get into the fun questions that have absolutely NOTHING to do with the books. (My publisher will be SO proud, I’m sure.) But who DOESN’T like questions such as “Which crayon color in the box describes you?” SO much better than: Please describe the multi-layered symbolism of the dirt on Katie’s shirt in the third scene in Chapter 33, fourth paragraph, and explain how it is similar to the Bruce Springsteen song “Born on the Fourth of July” as well as the seventh book in Leviticus. I remember the first time somebody previewed the yet-unpublished In Between and pointed out some symbolism for me. I was like, “Uh, yeah…yeah, that’s EXACTLY what it means. Of course I did that on purpose. I’m deep like that.”

I don’t really have anything else exciting to discuss. I’m so boring today. But here are some final thoughts as I go into my weekend.

1. I’m going to see Iron Man even though I don’t see how it’s even remotely possible that Robert Downey Jr. could be a super hero. But everyone keeps raving about it.

2. Something REALLY reeks in my kitchen. I’ve traced it to the floor beneath a drawer. I’m afraid to see what it is, so I keep holding my nose and pretending it’s not there. What if it’s gross? What if it’s a body part, and I have to call CSI? Speaking of CSI, I accidentally caught about 30 minutes of CSI Miami. Horatio is OUT OF CONTROL with the fake sexy voice and sun glasses removal. I found evidence.

Jim Carrey apparently watches too.

So I’ll let you know what’s under there, and if I need to call in Horatio from CSI.

Happy Mingling Mother’s Day to all!

Sunday I went to central Arkansas to my friend Sheila’s wedding shower. Let me tell ya about Sheila. So I went to a REALLY small school, and when I was in the seventh grade, this weird girl moves into town. Unless you were passing out 20 dollar bills to the entire school, it was extremely hard to be a new kid in my hometown. So Sheila has no friends. And I was not a very nice person back in the day. So Sheila, having no one to talk to or eat with at lunch, sits down at a table by herself and proceeds to have daily conversations with salt and pepper shakers. And since i was one who would NEVER talk to kitchenware, we mutually disliked each other (Sheila and I–not me and the salt).

Fast forward a couple of years, and we’re the closest of friends. And THAT was over 20 years ago. We are the type of friends who have inside jokes boiled down to one word, and just mere mention of random things like “salad bar” or “power tools” and we both completely lose it. So I was really excited to go to her shower. And she’s marrying a totally awesome guy. This awesome guy often helps me with computer problems, but that has no bearing on my opinion of him. Mostly not.

So the shower was in the same town I started college in. I lived there for a year and a half. The LONGEST year and a half of my life. This school was NOT a place small town kids who had NEVER moved went to. Yet I went anyway. Sheila already went to school there. And two of my other BFFs went with me. Well, I never saw Sheila (except in passing on campus, where she would flash me in broad daylight, but that’s irrelevant), and my other two friends one by one packed up and went home. (Do you guys hear violins yet?) So there I was. Me and UCA. UCA and me.

Last weekend I drove through the campus. Parents were helping their kids pack up and move for the summer. I got out and took some pics, hoping the campus po-po would not ticket my car.

This is the Speech-Path building. When I was a freshman, I went through this freak-out phase of picking a major. Somebody told me I had to. SOMEBODY was wrong. But for two whole days I thought I wanted to be a speech path. Just because I could sign John Denver’s “Sunshine On My Shoulder,” I believed I was already ahead of the game.

Here’s the football field. The mascot is the Bear. Guess what the girls are? The Sugar Bears. Isn’t that sweet? Scotty Pippin played basketball here. Yeah, I wasn’t that impressed either.

Here’s the Baptist Student Union. I went here a few times to hang out. There were like five of us. Didn’t return. But I should’ve gone HERE.

For free food during college, I would’ve gone to the Scientologist Student Union.

This is where I stayed my sophomore year (until Christmas when I gave in like everyone else and went home). I didn’t even know until last week it even had a name. Wingo. Hmmm. I guess I called it other things.

This is the art building. I didn’t hang out there, but I wish I would’ve–just so I could say that name. “Where are you going?” “To the Schichtl.”

This was my dorm during year one. Conway Hall. Really clever name being in Conway, AR and all. My BFF and I picked this dorm because on tour day, the other dorm was baking cookies and we thought they were nerds. I swear I was not on drugs, but there’s really no explaning the phenomenon of shunning cookies and those who make them. I guess we thought they were the type to regularly break out the Bingo cards too, but I’d yell out a little B14 for some chocolate chip any day.

In these dorms you had “community bathrooms.” This is fancy talk for “many showers at the end of the hall that are never cleaned.” Also since we had no in-room bathrooms, you had to trek down the lonnnng hall every time you had to pee. This messed with my head, so I would get up about 3x a night. It was so frequent, I had to get tested for diabetes. The next year when I got my own bathroom, the problem magically disappeared.

Well, that’s all for now. More good times in Crappy College Friday. I must prepare to watch Jason Castro get kicked off of Idol. Maybe in his misery he’ll do something crazy. Like wash his hair.

I have a month of school left. Cannot WAIT to wrap this education business up!

So, I know we have a lot of Miley fans. But it has to be said. The girl was TOPLESS IN A BLANKET!!! Ick. She’s 15. Ew. I think Miley’s been a great role model. Still has a lot of mileage in her for that. So maybe she just got caught up in things. Annie Liebowitz was the photog, and that woman is so famous maybe you just do anything she asks in this “oh my gosh this is THE Annie Liebowitz” daze.

Disney said she was manipulated. So this is my PSA (public service announcement) for THIS week. GIRLS (or guys, whatever), if photographers (famous or not) ask you to take off your makeup AND your top, JUST SAY NO. I do it all the time. It’s easy. “NO.” See. How hard is that? Let me check…yep, my shirt’s still on.

And WHERE were her parents? Right there with her, that’s where! So manipulated, Disney? Um, I think not. To me the biggest tragedy was making her look like a CSI corpse come to life. And I can say that–I’m a total pale face. But this girl was GRAY. Just a weird, weird shot altogether. Miley TOTALLY should’ve gone to the JCPenney portrait studio instead.

Saw some movies this weekend. Saw McDreamy in Made of Honor. It was okay. Kinda cute. Pretty Lifetimey. I think I would have loved it had it been a TV movie. You always have low expectations for those. (Of course I would’ve been waiting for Tori Spelling to pop out at any moment.) But for the big screen it was a little cheesy for me.

But I liked how the two characters shared dessert all the time. I’m a total grazer, and in a perfect world (where people aren’t such germ phobes), I could eat off everyone’s plate like I did when I was little. Why is it people mind that when you’re an adult? Who wants to be tied to ONE dessert or ONE entree? This is why I usually get two different drinks when I go out to eat. Because when I get a Diet Coke (back in the day when I drank that devil’s swill), I would get it and want tea. And when I’d get tea, I’d wish I had a Diet Coke. And sometimes when I get the fajitas, I wish I had the quesadilla. I think I have food commitment issues.

Also saw the DVD Sydney White with the uber talented Amanda Bynes (a TOTALLY underused actress/comedian). It was pretty cute, but I like princessy, fairy tale-ish stuff. Had some funny lines in there and it makes you proud to be a nerd. And John Schneider is in it. And who doesn’t appreciate a little flash back to Bo and Luke Duke?

Have a good week!

Jen