It does not stand for Birthday Excellence. B and E stands for Breaking and Entering.

So last Sunday was my birthday…but let me back up a bit and tell you that earlier in the week I got a message on my phone that went something like this:

“This is the local police department. We wanted to let you know that Mr. Joe Schmoe, a registered sex offender, is living in your neighborhood. Do not approach or harass this man. He is blah, blah, blah.”

And you know, for some reason I have yet to remember to welcome this guy to the hood with some cookies. So a few days later I come home after dinner with my family (including my favorite, strawberry pie…yum). It’s 9:45 p.m. I sit down at my computer…and the door bell rings. Nobody ever rings my doorbell.

Nobody except new neighbors who might be mad that I didn’t bring them any cookies. So my brain is on overload (remember the night I set off my own alarm?), and I’m like, “I’m not gonna get it! It’s him! It’s him!” And then, “Of course I have to get it. Whoever is out there SAW me pull into the garage.” So then I grab my cell phone (Should I have 911 already to go? Should I call someone and be on the phone when I answer my door? “Oh, hi, Convicted Rapist, I’m just on the phone with my 300 pound boyfriend who has anger issues and a rabid pit bull. What can I do for you?”)

ANYWAY…I look through the peek hole and there stands my two friends, Kim (she’ll be breaking) and Leslie (in the role of Entering). And they’re like (insert monotone) “Hey. Happy Flippin’ Birthday. Sorry we forgot it. Take your stupid balloon.” Seems they had been at my house for over 2 hours. And how did they spend that time? Trying to break in to decorate. (Maybe I should call the Convicted Sex Offender and warn him about them.)

Let’s recreate the scene…

Do they look suspicious or what? Total criminals. I’m surprised the city police didn’t call me about THEM. They spent over two hours trying to get into my house, and guess how many neighbors called about it? NONE. None would be the correct answer. Neighborhood watch–at it’s finest.

But I got a pan of brownies (which ironically I can’t eat) with flaming candles.

The numbers on the cake blocked to protect the old.

The girls also brought me my favorite two flavors of Ben and Jerry’s–Strawberry Cheesecake and Chocolate Fudge Brownie. It was all really nice, in a house-violating, diet foul sort of way.

Switching topics, can we have a moment of silence for Wayne “Frosty Freeze” Frost? He was a pioneer of break dancing. He starred in the old movie Flashdance, and his moves led to head spinning everywhere in the 80s and beyond. Wayne “Frosty Freeze” Frost, I will think of you every time I practice my worm. Which I still can’t do. Twenty years later. But I’m not bitter. Maybe if I added a few winter adjectives to my name I would be more successful. Or if I practiced more. (I had the same problem when I played the trumpet in junior high. )

In other news, on Thursday Oprah had the first man to be pregnant. Of course, he’s a he-she. There’s been surgeries. There’s been hormones. And obviously there’s been a frontal lobotomy because who in their right MIND would go to all the trouble to change over to a man, but leave certain parts just so you could have a baby? The guy is married…not like there wasn’t a 100% lady around to carry the next generation. If there is ANY perk at all to being a man (besides peeing quickly), it would be not going through labor. I guess on one hand it’s nice that this woman married someone who was willing to go through labor for her. I personally would be satisfied with a husband who remembered to take the trash out and that the house should always be stocked with Oreos.

Okay, have a great weekend. Saturday is the last day to enter to win one of FIVE copies of book two, On The Loose. Read Monday’s post to get the details. And next week…a chance to win a copy of THE BIG PICTURE. I had a student read it and return it this week, and he had deep, expressive things to say about it. He said, “It was good.” Wow. The way he went on. Anyway, you’ll have to decide for yourself if it’s worth any more praise than that–like a sentence with FOUR words.

just kidding!

Happy Weekend.

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YAY! It’s finally here. There are still kinks and typos to work out, but I’m really excited with the new web site. Green is the new black, you know.

Don’t forget that this week I’m giving away 5 copies of ON THE LOOSE, book two in the Katie Parker Production series. To enter, just send me an email (jen at jennybjones.com) with your address. It’s so easy. You don’t even have to write me a personal message. But if you want to, like Sarah from Canada (*OMG, I’m officially internationally known. And not for anything illegal!), you can include a little note. This one cracked me up.

Anyway my sisters and I are huge fans! We own book 1 but only borrowed “On the Loose” from the church library….Speaking of which, it really must be overdue by now. Must be why they’re calling here every few hours. I thought they just wanted to thank me for my contribution to the bake sale…or not. Anyway, it would be awesome if you could enter me in the draw to ease the Borrowed Book separation anxiety easier and the church can finally have back their copy.

I’m not the best at returning books either, Funny Sarah from Canada. But then I’ve never borrowed any from the LORD’S HOUSE either. Just kidding!

So I want to wrap up my Hawaii trip details (yes, I’m STILL dragging this out) so I can move on to discussing my birthday, which was last Sunday. Let’s just say my house was broken into on my birthday. (Relax, Mom, it’s all cool.) Nothing says “Happy Birthday like people crawling through your windows.

Anyway, Hawaii. Here’s a recap. We hate LAX International Airport. Okay, moving on. On day two of Oahu, we went to a luau. The host on the bus told us to sit close to the front so we could see the muscular, hunky “warriors.” Here’s the first guy I saw.

All of the dances in a luau mean something.

This one means,

“While she dances I will do isometric butt squeezes. Warriors must have buns of steel. Hey, nice breeze coming up my towel…”

And you know sometimes we girls have troubles with necklaces. They tend to get hung up on…things. You rearrange them and put them all front and center. It’s a never ending problem. Well, not for this girl.

She obviously is proud to let them fall where they may. Takes care of a lot of hassle because the necklaces are headed there anyway.

This warrior is obviously on the hunt for food. Clearly he ate the same luau buffet I did. I have a pose similar to this I call “I’m going to Taco Bell. Who’s up for burritos?”

That’s all the pics I can get to work tonight. Technical issues. Anyway, tour the site and let me know what you think.

And stay tuned…next week I’m giving away advanced copies of book three, THE BIG PICTURE. They won’t be on the shelves for a few weeks…but I’ve got some to share!

Have a great rest of the week. I’m off to watch American Idol, er, I mean write.

Jen

*omg would of course mean “OH MY GOSH!”

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