Toward the tailend of a deadline, I take on a new persona. I get cranky, I guard my time like a pitbull, and everything stresses me out. And occasionally I forget to bathe. …just kidding. Well, except for today, but who showers on Fridays anyways?

So let me tell you my woes.
First of all, one of my favorite Mexican restaurant chains has shut down.
A moment of silence if you will…

I seriously think about them all the time now. Oh, Acambaro, how could you get raided and have mysterious buildings and illegal workers, yet such lovely queso? And do I really care? No, I don’t. I will turn the other way–we all will. Just bring our Acambaro, home of the six dollar fajitas, back to us. And yes, some say it was a den of health code violations anyway, but people who say that are taco snobs, and I don’t associate with taco snobs.
(But I do associate with taco platters valued at $3.99.)

But now I’m having to eat at the competitors, Maria’s. And it’s not the same. I’m so depressed. I think I need medication for this. A fajita detox. It’s so unfair.

And the next thing I’m distraught about…snow. I know you’re sick of hearing about it, but winter just started baby, so get used to it. This is all I talk about from November to March. So all the sudden some serious weather popped up in the forecast about midweek. We were to have 4-6 inches of snow Saturday. This totally made MY WEEK.

Every night and every morning I would watch the weather and read the weather, then watch and read it some more, just hoping for crumbs of information. And it was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT chance of snow here. These weathermen weren’t messing around. But yet they were messing around–WITH MY HEAD!!!!! Now suddenly, overnight, we’ve gone from 4-6 inches to “flurries” and from 100% chance to THIRTY. Can you even feel my pain? And no, a Saturday snow probably wouldn’t have gotten me out of school Monday (I know this because I calculated the statistical odds last night…), but it would’ve made Saturday all pretty. And I could’ve stayed home and watched it and worked and caught up so I would not be so crabby and like shower and stuff so my cats and friends would quit avoiding me. But now that’s not going to happen because the weathermen are evil and the jet stream is clearly a tool of Satan.

But at least I have THIS to relieve some of my chalupa-less stress. (And thanks Christy for the link!)

Have a good weekend.
Sincerely,
Miss Crabby Pants

I’m a loser blogger, and I have nothing prepared today. I have gifts to buy, gifts to wrap, Christmas programs to attend, papers to grade, a couple hundred pages to write, a toilet or two to clean, snow to pray for, and a speech to practice on why Christmas makes me happy.

So in the meantime here’s some fun things to check out.
If you’re like me, you are snow deprived. It’s not something the FDA has approved medication for. Yet. So until then, I give you this buildable snowman.

And you might say this is baby stuff, but it’s still kind of addicting. Check this out.

And somebody needs to get me the Dummy version of this game.

Here’s a game based on a complicated, intricate, nail-biting plot. Bob needs to mail a bill. Get him to the mailbox.

Finally, grab your Kleenex. This is a tough PSA to watch. Unless you’re made of steel, it will wrench your heart out. Education really is our best defense.

I’m a little late on the blog today. Sighhh…see, I wasn’t supposed to have school today and I was going to have all day long to blog.
Then my dreams were dashed. Crushed like the cigarette butt of the teenagers who hide in the bathroom during lunch. Shattered like Britney Spears reputation. Hiijacked like the poor guys in the Tahoe victimized by Lindsay Lohan.

I would explain, but let’s just say I have been having some really mean thoughts about some over-confident weathermen.

I thought I would share images of this super valuable power point I was sent. Pictures by who knows, and probably obtained and now blogged about illegally. Narration by Jenny B. Jones.

“I owe everything I am to Zip Zap Rap. He changed my life, my rhymes, and made me aware of the importance of color coordination. ZZR truly is a turntable slave. And a fashion victim.”
–50 Cent

“I am Tino. And my shorts are so tight, I’m having to hold my stomach so my guts don’t rupture.”

“I told you I wanted Clinique Robin’s Egg Blue eyeshadow duo for my sixteen birthday. NOT another stupid song! And are you sure you’re only nineteen?”

“Hi, I’m Joyce. I love PBS, Harlequin romance novels, clipping coupons, and beautiful silk flowers. If you send me $19.95, you’ll not only get my two record special, but you’ll also get my 20 page booklet, “Everyday Afro.”

“Oh, my gosh. And I thought I was the only one who forgot my shirt. We’re soooo silly! Let’s giggle together!”

I hope they’re talking about Jesus.

Is Karatist even a word?

The Handless Organist? How long did the title committee spend on that one?

Great–now I’ll be humming the title track “Satan is Real” ALLL day. Good job, Louvin brothers, good job.

Didn’t you always wonder what happened to Children of the Corn?

“Hi, my name is Delores. And I have a hairspray addiction. Please buy my album so I can afford some treatment.”

Before braces…before fire alarms…before more realistic fake tattoos, there was Tex Williams

The Brailettes, along with the Handless Organist, later filed a class action lawsuit against the record label for lack of creativity and polical correctedness.

“I don’t even know this guy. Get your hands off me!”
-Big Lass, Bonny Lass

Have a happy Monday. I’m off to drown my sorrows in some more chocolate. And maybe fire up the LPs.

We interrupt this regularly scheduled blog to tell you there is a chance of frozen precip in the area. Jen could not be available to write her Pulitzer-worthy post today because she is busy begging her Lord for snow and ice. She cannot be torn away from the snow altar she has built in the back yard for occasions such as this. These special prayers take concentration and sometimes it takes many hours to get in “the zone.”

She and her friend Holly have a ceremonial snow dance.
It’s a little bit tribal–a little bit funky. It’s pretty complicated. The Running Man is involved.

After the praying, after the dancing, they sing snow related songs. Songs such as “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” and “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” and “If It Doesn’t Stinkin’ Snow and Get Me Out of School, I’m Gonna Hurt Somebody.” That last one is an original number. They have a copyright pending, so attorneys will be contacting you if you try and use it.

When all else fails Holly and Jen, both educators and shapers of young minds, start looking for student sacrifices. Strangely enough, there’s always volunteers. And then they say, “Um…we were kidding. That was our crazy, zany sense of humor. We would get in serious trouble with your parents if we did that…unless you sign this waiver.”

Please return to whatever you were doing. Like looking at a real blog. And remember this possible frozen precipitation possibility in your daily prayers. Or your thrice daily prayers. Facing Mecca. Whatever.

If you are stumped for the words to say, here is one the ladies sometimes use:
Our Father, who art in Heaven.
Hallowed Be Thy Name.
Thy Snow Flakes Come,
Thy Temp Will Fall
Moisture in the air, as it is on the ground.
Give us this day our frozen raindrops
And forgive us for our global warning, as we forgive absolutely anyone you want us to if it means we can have sleet.
And lead us not above thirty-two degrees,
But deliver us from fronts that barely miss us.
For snow days are the coolest, the neatest, and most relaxing days ever.
Amen.

So I’m a little grumpy.
And I’ve been watching too much Dr. Oz on Oprah. Because now everything I see is a potential health hazard. And I tend to obsess about that stuff. My new thing is aspartame. I drink Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Coke. And it has aspartame. So this week at work I’ve had to spend a lot of time in the computer lab…with nothing better to do than to randomly Google things. And I checked into aspartame. I knew it wasn’t good. But not only is it not good–it’s very bad! And I always said, “One day they are going to realize that the stuff we’ve been drinking for years is hideous for us.” Turns out I was right! (I hope I’m not psychic. I so do not have time for that.) So now I am going on a 60 day fast of aspartame. It’s even in GUM!!! My favorite gum! It’s EVERYWHERE. If you want to totally scare yourself, google the dangers of aspartame. I’ve recruited some friends and my brother into this aspartame ban. It’s a 60 day challenge and we will be victorious.

Oh, my gosh. I would cut off my hand for a Diet Dr. Pepper right now.

Anyway, it should be easy. I mean, how hard is it to walk away from the Coke machine?
Seriously, I LOVE the burn as it goes down your throat–makes the eyes water!

Plus I’ll be saving money.
I will probably cry when I empty out my two liter bottle tonight. Don’t think I won’t have a moment of silence because I will.

So if you’re a diet drinker, too, you should join us. We can all be psychotically crabby together as we detox!

The other thing I’m miffed about is a little more serious.
Snow.
I have checked the Farmer’s Almanac. I’ve checked the extended forecasts. I’ve mapped the stars and opened 200 persimmons. (Okay, not really on that last part). There is like zero chance of snow for my area in December. And January doesn’t look too hot either. Is it too much to ask for a little frozen precipitation? Last year we got the best kind–I was at work and it came on suddenly. Like we had a mass evacuation. It took about an hour to get home (versus 25 minutes). It was perfect! WHERE IS THE LIFE THREATENING SNOW???

I’m sorry. But I think it’s the aspartame that’s getting to me. According to Google article No.468 I read, it’s killed some of my brain cells, so I cannot be held responsible for all my actions.
You understand.
But over the next 60 days I’m going to try and get them back. The brain cells that is.
Okay, must go write a book or something.
And maybe drink something safe.
Like…water from the toilet.