So I ask my students a “question of the day.” On Monday they might have to tell me their favorite TV show, Tuesday their least favorite band, etc. When you ask teenagers for their opinion, you better be ready for…well, their opinion.

Here are some recent quotes.

Me: “What animal would you want to be?”
Ninth Grader: “A dolphin.”
Me: “Why?”
Ninth Grader: “Because they’ve got good mating calls.”

Me: “What animal would you want to be?”
Ninth Grader: “Ninja Butterfly.”

Me: “What did you do this weekend?”
Ninth Grader Number One (said in his best Napoleon Dynamite voice): “I pretty much just beat up the neighborhood gangsters.”
Ninth Grader Number Two: “I killed some zombies.”

And I don’t remember what the question was, but I did write down the student’s answer. “It’s crap. I mean it is cow patty poop.” Somehow it doesn’t really matter what the question was. Your challenge is to somehow work that phrase into a conversation within the next 24 hours. And if you put extra emphasis on “patty poop” and spit ensues–extra points.

Also a bit of news that I’ve been sitting on for a while. I recently got the opportunity to sign with Thomas Nelson publishing. I’ll write a three book YA series (which I should be working on right now), then tackle some chick-lit. Should be interesting. Nelson is jumping into the YA waters with everything they’ve got, so I’m really excited to be a part of that and see what happens. I will miss Katie Parker and Maxine though. I don’t hardly know how to write a book without them (as evident by my sad lack of pages…). But I’ve already got a new character in book one that is a Maxine reincarnate. Why he’s as feisty as a…Ninja Butterfly.

Finally, thanks to my good buddy Kelsey for reminding me of a favorite Will Ferrell clip. It’s already brightening my weekend.

I’ve received a few common questions lately, so I thought I would address some of those.

1. How do you come up with the names for your characters?
Well, the bad characters get the names of students and possibly distant family members who gave me grief or bad Christmas presents. Characters I like are sometimes named after friends, family I like, and names I get from peeking into Cabbage Patch boxes at Wal-Mart.

2. Do you listen to music when you write, and if so what kind?
Sure I do. It’s so inspirational for putting you right into the heart of a scene. And since I have some romantic elements in most of my books, that of course means I listen to a lot of…polka. For special moments I even break out the kazoo. (side note: I once worked in a school where the faculty were given NOSE kazoos. No kidding. I still have that thing, but have yet to perfect it.) There is nothing like a good chicken dance to get the creative juices flowing. I also listen to Phantom of the Opera a lot and imagine my characters in half-masks and capes. Just really elevates the plot of any story. My editors always edit those parts out.

3. Where do you find the time to teach full time AND write?
In a word: elves.

And along those lines, I’d like to offer a few time-saving tips for the rest of you. These have sure helped me.
a. Wear the same outfit every day. People will stare, but they will not comment for fear of rudeness. Or fear of getting too close.
b. Become friends with your messy house. A dusty coffee table isn’t a problem. It’s a great place for tic-tac-toe at dinner parties.
c. Send pets out to find their own food. Remember, mine’s into snakes. And he finds them. Often.
d. Forget setting aside time for running or lifting weights. Your exercise? Emailing. It’s got to burn at least some calories. Like three.
e. Press your nose to your neighbor’s dining room window and look pitiful. Instant invitation to dinner. It makes them feel included in your career. (And Mrs. Rumpskie, I like a little more ketchup on my meatloaf, by the way. See you Thursday.)

4. Do you participate in Halloween?
Um, does a dog have whiskers? Let me preface this by saying as a short girl, I took full advantage and went trick-or-treating until my senior year of high school. You could argue that the holiday is about evil and darkness. And if that’s what you want to call bags of chocolate and Smarties, then go ahead. Come on, Halloween is a chance to dress up. Without people thinking you’re weird. That opportunity only comes along once a year, so I’m personally not going to let it go.

This chipmunk should enroll in Julliard.

You only need about the first 50 seconds or so of this one. Watch the dude on the left. Clearly he trained with the chipmunk.

I don’t know about you, but this answered a lot of questions for me.

You know underneath it all, Weird Al really is a good musician. I love the “Drop It Like It’s Hot” segment.

Here’s a little poem I made up.

Stuff To Do Blues (A poem that does not rhyme, but is no less artistic)

Supposed to be writing a book
But I’m not
Cause I’m lazy
I’m lazy, lazy, lazy.
Oprah should do a show on lazy.
Instead of how to puree butternut squash.
Facebook is evil.
Got me tangled in its snare.
“Check me out every two seconds,” it says.

I try to ignore its siren’s song.
But can’t.
Oprah should do a show on Facebook addicts.
Instead of Dr. Oz and his squishy visual aids.
Pamela Anderson got married again.
Brit passed a drug test.
Linds is out of rehab.
And I’m still lazy.
I need a Twinkie.

So as mentioned I’m (you can stop applauding now. Thank you. Yes, I know, it was profound)…so as I mentioned I’m having my website totally revamped. I’m really excited about it. To quote Disney’s Hercules, “It’s gonna be big!” We’re tossing around the idea of using some photos. I had my mom dig up some old pics. Thought I’d share.

First of all, when we went to take new photos for the webpage, Mr. Armas, Photographer-Web Designer-Extraordinaire, quickly learned I was mentally retarded when it came to posing commands. “Okay, look happy!” “Look excited!” “Now put your hand on the fence and turn your head…” It’s all Greek to me. Here’s what I actually hear, “Put your entire hand in your ear. Now pull your leg over your head with the other hand. And hop on the remaining leg. Now smile. And tilt your chin 147 degrees. And then look out into the horizon exactly six kilometers.” It’s all IMPOSSIBLE!!! I just don’t get it. Anyway, my lack of creativity or knack for posing was obviously fostered at an early age. I offer exhibit A:

Mom, “Okay, kids, do something spectacular. Pose for the camera—something fun and really inventive.”
Me. “I know! I know! Here are two flower containers. Why don’t we hold them!”

And then here’s an old picture of my brother and me again. I think I was a little genius, if you want to know the truth.

At age one I could do a dead-on impression of someone with brain worms. Somebody should’ve called Harvard and had me pre-registered. You don’t see that kind of talent every day. Some kids could talk at this age. Me? I could make faces that would scare the neighbors. I still use these tactics on my students…

Hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. Also hope it was restful because we have a big day of celebrating to do. It is Columbus Day. Here are the reasons I am grateful for Christopher Columbus:

A. The date of your voyage is the only historical date I’ve ever been able to remember. Whenever I’m feeling blue about the fact that I can’t recall the end of the Civil War or when the Magna Carta was signed, I just recite, “In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue…”

B. You were into trading. I believe this might have led to what we Americans now call eBay. And for that, I thank you kind sir.

C. You, like most men, do not understand the finer points of gifting. Did you know when Columbus returned from discovering San Salvador he gave the Queen gold and masks and pearls and parrots? Pearls and parrots? I can hear the queen: “I only want the gifts that won’t poop on my shoulder.”

Yes, so find your own little way to celebrate the man, the myth, the parrot giver, Christopher Columbus.

Speaking of boys of discovery, here’s what Mr. Kitty (the one previously on anti-depressants) found in my house throughout the summer. A tiny snake.

Look how proud he is. He’s like, “You want somma this?”

This particular snake was found in my bedroom a few weeks ago. Kinda creeped me out. Rock snakes they are apparently called. I’ve gotten used to them (until this one slithered into my boudoir). They are about the size of a skinny worm and are supposed to be harmless (and if you know differently, just keep it to yourself). I have had about 20+ of them in my house over the last three years. Not sure how they get in, but they never make it back out. And it’s reasons like this that Psycho Kitty gets to stay around a little longer.

This was posted on a writer’s loop with the note, “Isn’t this cool?”
No. It’s not. It scares the crap out of me. Do you see how often people are getting cancer? Do you see how often people are dying? Do you see how the seconds are just flying by? How could you think this was cool? SOMEBODY STOP IT!!!!! I don’t want to see the numbers for Tropical Cluster Diseases. I could be one of them! What if these snakes are carriers? And the Earth’s temperature? What if it’s too high? Is there an alarm somewhere that will alert us to this? And I don’t know what Dengue is, but I don’t want to get it! And look at the bottom—“Created by Poodwaddle.” You put up scary, terrifying, factual statistics and expect us to take you seriously with a company name like Poodwaddle? It sounds like a disease affecting small terriers.

I wonder if they included Psycho Kitty when counting Psychiatric Diseases.
Have a great week. I hope it’s leprosy-free. May none of us make the World Clock boards.