On the Loose hits shelves this week. I know, I know there will be lines and people camping out at midnight Monday night, but please, no fights. And share those candy bars and “waiting-all-night” snacks. It stresses me and J.K. Rowling out when our mobs of eager readers get violent. But we do understand.

So ask your local booksellers for the book. (Say, “You know–On the Loose. By Jenny B. Jones. I think it’s up for a Pulitzer? No? Well, all I know is Oprah will NOT leave this poor lady alone.”)

Ask your librarians to order it. (”You don’t have her books? And you call yourselves a library! No, I don’t want to read the latest Grisham novel. I want Katie Parker. Is it just me or does this reek of censorship?”).

Ask your friend of a friend of a friend of a second-cousin who knows the Wal-Mart or Sam’s book buyer (”If you don’t stock her books in bulk, I will buy myself a Sam’s Choice water and lay down on this floor and scream like a two year old.”)

Let’s let’s blow up some sales and get the message out there. Um…the message of Christ. Not the message that we blow up things.

So I’m ripping this off from my favorite blog, megcabot.com, but check out this youtube video of a woman who teaches her cats to swim.

Let the record show that I am not that cat-weird. And they “glided beautifully through the water?” Lady, they were paddling like crazy to get away from you. And how about, “They are so beautiful. Like watching a ballerina.” Um…no. It’s like watching a bad episode on Animal Planet where you know the ending is not going to be happy. Cats don’t like water; I don’t care what this woman says. If her super hairy cat liked the water he’d be paddling for the diving board, not toward the ledge. Sure, they ocassionally enjoy playing in the toilet (who doesn’t?), but they instinctively don’t like getting wet. How many cats do you see tromping through puddles? Um…cats doing kitty jumps in the rain? And just exactly how often do you hear of feline casualities from pools? NEVER. And did you hear her say all FIVE of her cats had been in the pool? WHO in the world would come and swim in her pool? Can you imagine the filter quality? That thing’s plugged up for good. Gross.

Finally, let me close by giving you a subliminal message (go buy my book this week) and another one for good measure (Brad Pitt, if you’re reading this, call me.), and top it off with a cartoon my super talented friend Kate sent me.

Did you know today is National Encouragement Day? This proclamation was signed by President Georgie Bush and originated by some kids in Arkansas. I learned that at school today. (And then celebrated my cerebral achievement with a Diet Coke)

So in light of National Encouragement Day I will not pick on Britney Spears and her VMA performance. In fact, I don’t really want to. I have to admit, I am guilty of watching it along with millions of others, for the sole purpose of seeing how badly she would mess it up. But the sad thing to come out of it is all this focus on how “fat” and “out of shape” she is. Can we bottle up her ability to be “fat” and sell it? I would like a lifetime supply. She was/is NOT fat. No, she didn’t have her old six-pack abs. And yes, you’re kinda asking for flack if you’re gonna wear the equivalent of bra and panties onstage. But she’s NOT FAT!!! She’s trim actually. And THIS is why we have six year old girls sticking their fingers down their throats after they eat their dyno-bite nuggets.

This is random, but a filmmaker in India has spent the last year making a documentary about gay men and women living in the Middle East. The title? “Jihad for Love.”

Having curly hair is a challenge. The Bible for us corkscrew-headed girls is called Curly Girls. From this I got the super cool tip that you shouldn’t wash your hair with shampoo every day. Wash your hair with only conditioner.
I tried that this morning.
You know those bums you see on the sidewalks of New York? The ones who haven’t seen a bottle of shampoo in months? Yeah, that’s my hair today. STUPID BOOK!!! I’m grossing myself out.

Did you know Jessica Simpson is crossing over to country music? I would comment on it, but it’s National Encouragement Day. But I look like I’ve dunked my head in a vat of extra virgin olive oil, so what do I know?

Had a great weekend watching back to back Tyler Perry movies of Diary of a Mad Black Woman and Madea’s Family Reunion. If you have not checked out the phenomenally talented writing, acting, and directing talents of Mr. Perry, you gotta get on it. The man is a genius.

Tyler Perry’s new movie I , Why Did I Get Married? comes out next month, and I’m totally psyched about it.

It boasts a stellar cast, including Jill Scott (so you know there will be some gospel singing) and even Janet Jackson (who has yet to prove herself in a role better than Penny on Good Times). It also includes somebody named Denise Boutte, pronounced boo-tay. I am so jealous of her last name. I once had a student named Steele. What if they got married and he took her last name? Then he’d be Steele Bootay (boutte). Or what if her first name was Fanny? Or Colin Boutte? (Say that out loud for maximum effect.)

This week our church unites together in a corporate fast. There are many levels of participation you could select as you felt led, but it will be a challenging, amazing week. Thought it’s gonna be hard. My food and I do not like to be separated. I plan my life around meals. When I’m on vacation, I’m timing activities according to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I select flights that allow time to eat at the airport and not skip meals. So I will be a little grumpy this week. (Yes, more than usual, sweet little students.)

I know the Bible says not to go boasting about fasting and such, but since this isn’t boasting, I’m gonna talk about it anyway.

Today on my way home from church, knowing the fast started tonight, I thought, “I’ll go home, make a good, healthy lunch: baked chicken, veggies, etc.” Well, in the last few months Satan, ruler of the underworld and cellulite, strategically placed a McDonald’s in my path in my town. So I’m minutes from home and I come to a stop at the light. On my left is the unholy McDonald’s.

It calls to me, “Jennifer, come in here. We have food that will clog your arteries and shorten your lifespan by at least a year.”

I whip my car in, overcome with the powerful urge for a number four. And scared because I know menu items by number now. I pull away, clutching my bag of a quarter pounder, fries, and a triple thick chocolate shake. Any hopes I had of also reaping a reward of losing a few pounds this week went down the drain, as this ONE meal is the caloric equivalent of any calories I’ll be missing out on the ENTIRE week.

When I got home, I opened my container and in the quarter pounder box was a Big Mac—two burgers in one. I hadn’t even started my week of fasting, and the blessings were already raining down!

At church we had commitment cards in which we stated what we’d be giving up or how we’d approach fasting this week. Last night, a group of us single girls got to talking about some things we’d considered putting on our cards. Here’s a partial list of things we thought we might promise to sacrificially avoid:

a. green beans and public television
b. tube socks
c. the color orange
d. dating
e. watching wrestling on Pay-Per-View
f. eating liver
g. reading the Wall Street Journal
h. showing up for work on time
i. envelope licking

I don’t think our pastor would share in our humor though.
So before someone emails me to totally flame my irreverence, I’m totally kidding about all of the above. Though I really am going to avoid tube socks and PBS this week, I will also be taking it seriously. Lord help us all. When I go without food, no one is safe. I’m my own WMD.

And triple chocolate shake—I miss you already.

So I’m still trying to think up a tagline, a one word sentence that sums up me and my writing. I’ve made sooo much progress.

Actually, like the pile of laundry I’ve been staring at, I’ve made zero progress. But my friend Sheila had some great ideas. Or maybe they’re just funny to me because I knew this girl when she talked to salt and pepper shakers in the eighth grade. Still, here are her suggestions.

Friendship, faith, and finding out what the school meatloaf
is really made of.

Who knew Jesus and high jinx worked together so well?

Sweet valley High aint got nuthin on this.

Finding faith and friends in the last place you look. (Oh, like on the table in the cafeteria—where they keep the salt and pepper shakers?)

Wookin pa nub…

Faith and a girls first kiss in the high school gym. (Ew. In a stinky gym? Unless it happened next to the popcorn machine in the snack bar. Then totally okay.)

Seriously, buy my book.

Christian: more than just the name of the cute boy from study hall.

If Natalie and Tootie found Jesus… Jenny would write
about the high jinx that would ensue.

You take the good you take the bad, you take them all and
there you have: Jenny B Jones

no wait..

When books are what you’re here about, but looks are what
you care about: Jenny B

When the world never seems, to be livin up to your
dreams..suddenly
you’re finding out that Jenny’s books are all about you.
Yooo-oo-woo.

So, yeah, we’re still working on the tagline, but I think we’re getting closer. But anything sounds good to the tune of Facts of Life.

I had business cards made recently for a conference I’ve got coming up. Or to pass out to total strangers who could benefit from my phone number–whatever. Anyway, the lovely Dineen Miller of Designer Girl Graphics created them, and they’re great. But when she asked me what my “tag line” was, I panicked. A tag line is a clever sentence that sums up you and your writing style. Some favorites I’ve seen lately are “Faith, froth, and a designer handbag” by Kristin Billerbeck. Then there’s Brandilyn Collins’ trademarked line about her “Seatbelt Suspense” which claims “Don’t forget to breathe.” Chick-lit author Camy Tang’s is “Romance with a kick of wasabi.” And what’s mine? Um…I dunno. I’ve only been thinking on it for about a year though. I don’t want to rush it. What could I possibly say in one line that sums up who I am and what kind of book someone would be picking up?

I immediately emailed my clever friend Sheila and asked her for some suggestions. She came through as usual. I thought I’d share her ideas. Before I share her fantastic one liners, I thought I’d share the only things I could come up with. If any of these say “winner,” please let me know.

1. Buy my stinkin’ book so I can retire early.

2. J.K. Rowling doesn’t have a tagline. Why should I?

3. Like other books…’cept with Jesus and stuff.

4. In a vision, God told me to tell you to buy my book.

5. My mom says it’s good.

6. Books you’ll enjoy now. And dust later.

7. Katie rhymes with datie. And I sacrificed a few to write the books, so please buy them so I won’t be a martyr for nothing.

8. Almost as good as squeeze cheese.

9. As cool as your little black dress. And covers more square footage than Britney Spears’ little black dress.

10. The best 360 pages you’ll ever read in your life—even if you live to be older
than the oldest person on earth. Yes, even that guy from China.

11. If this series were a WMD, George Bush would totally be able to find it.

12. For the same price you could buy chicken alfredo at Olive Garden. But my books are hair free.

13. Unlik sum Nu York Tims best sellurs, this book aint got no big wurds.

14. Word, this book is supah fly. Cause that’s how I roll. Yo.

15. Remember that time you got food poisoning and puked all night?
These books will not make you feel that way.

So those were my ideas. I saved the best for last, those created by Sheila, but you’ll have to tune in later to read them.

Hope everyone had a great Labor Day. We should rally together as a nation and demand we have more three day weekends. Americans are like some of the most productive, hardest working people in the world, according to the news. Is this really an area in which we want to be number one? No!

Let’s stop this insanity and be the laziest, most well rested in the world! The people most likely to go to the beach! The nation most likely to work four days a week! The country who purchases the most Hanes sweats! If you’re with me, please contact your local congressman or woman and tell them how you really feel. Your couch misses you.